Word [Press].

I moved. I hear that's how it works, or something.

Honestly? I'm just getting tired of using a different email account for my blog than anything else. New last name, new blog.

http://stephanieparnell.wordpress.com/

Too Blue to Entertain You

This has been a majorly 'blah' week for me. My attitude is fairly rotten, and belongs in the garbage. I would like to be able to blame it on those lovely 3 letters women were raised to believe are a valid excuse for all things crabby...but that's just not the case. I have my ideas, but I don't like those either. Ignore and Deny, my newest best friends.

I think I got some decent sleep last night, because I'm feeling slightly better today. I woke up feeling like I was never going to be fully alive again EV-AR, and here I am at 10am feeling alright with the world. Oh roller coaster, why can't I quit you?

I do feel bad for my attitude last night. My poor husband...he had an amazing day, was obviously in an amazing mood, and obviously super stoked to just be by my side last night. I could not seem to get a grip, not fair to him at all. Has anyone else noticed that it's a rare day when both significant others are in an equally good mood? It's usually that one person had a terrible day and the other had an amazing day, am I right? The best days, the heartiest laughs, the biggest smiles, the squeeziest hugs? Those are the rare day that we both are in wonderful moods and we love eachother more than words. Okay, that's not exactly fair to say. I love him more than words every day, I just don't choose to show him that I love him more than words every day.

I gotta get a grip. I gotta get some sleep. And I got a plan. But don't hold your breath, I'm certainly not holding mine.

p.s. Thank God for awesome customers who can lighten this day. I feel like Anne of Green Gables and I just met my bosom friend.

Blogging: A Habit Not Worth Giving Up

Four whole days since I've blogged. I have had so many snippets of interest to say, but I never know how to compose them into one solidly written blog. I could always do bullets...but that should be saved for LiveJournal because, not so much.

This week has been really long and tiresome. I have slept fairly well, but wake up feeling like a zombie. I can't seem to get out of the fog, no matter how many cups of coffee or glasses of green tea I drink. This past weekend just exhausted me and we haven't had time to play catch up. I had gotten in the habit of getting up when Brad went downstairs and packing his lunch and saying goodbye. Once he left I would do the dishes and fold any laundry that needed to be folded and then check my blog rolls, email and then get logged in for work. But this past week I have found it difficult to get up. I usually wander downstairs about 5 minutes later than he does and he is usually already packing his lunch. I say goodbye to him and can't find the energy to do the dishes or fold laundry, promising I'll do it after I get off work (I have an hour and a half before work, and an hour and a half before he gets home from work). I end up doing it half-heartedly and usually only half the job gets finished. I finally got my butt in gear this morning, but that's because it's Friday and we are having company tomorrow...I want to sleep in tomorrow and not stress over cleaning before cooking dinner and making dessert; I figure the more I finish today, the less I have to do tomorrow. I know this won't last long...but I'm ready for that one night of sleep that will fix me.

I think I have finally figured out why blogging can be sometimes difficult for me. It is because, a blog seems to either be about something negative or positive and never just general. That could be because of my outlook on things, or just because my life is pretty boring, unless something terrible happens or something exciting happens. It's easy to write about the happy things (marriage, love, family) and easy to write about the things that make me exceptionally angry....but it's not easy to write about the mundane. So I guess my point is...I'm tired of the mundane. I want my life to be exciting all the time, even if it's not the most comfortable. I want something to write about! I want a life worth writing about every single day....because it's just that interesting! Now comes the scary part, the part where I figure out that what I just asked for and pleaded for can actually suck sometimes. Boy, I sure am picky :)

So I've received a few suggestions on this wonderful attempt we are making to begin expanding our family. I'll spare you a few of the suggestions because, eww and umm, DUH. But I did decide to start taking my temperature each morning to determine when I am truly....ripe [the word "ovulating" kinda' makes me cringe]. Before you go getting your panties in a wad, it's a normal thermometer and definately not the kind you are probably thinking. I mean, do they even MAKE those kinds of thermometers? Don't tell me, I don't wanna know. Ew.

So in closing, I'm tired and I'm tired of the roller coaster and we're trying to make babies (or even just one.). The End.

6 Whole Months, You Complete Me.

Yesterday was our 6 month anniversary (Dating, of course. We've been married for almost 2 months now). It seems so weird that someone I see every single day and love so deeply (that it can only be displayed through my eyes and in our most intimate moments) has only been a part of my life for 6 months. It's amazing how ready my heart was for him, and also how ready his heart was for me. We are both still kind of blown away at our lives and how we now live them together, instead of seperately.
This past weekened we drove up to Maryland with my parents and brother to go visit family and participate in a surprise birthday party for my grandfather who turned 70. We had a lot of fun together and I can't tell you how many members of my family pulled me to the side to tell me how happy I seem and that Brad already feels like such a part of the family, and that they can't remember what it was like without him or that he fits in so well he may as well have been here all along. I know that has to make him feel good, it sure does make me feel good.
I got to see my cousin and her newest baby, Hayden. The whole trip was a success and it was such a great time seeing my family and things just felt...perfect. My life is complete, that's honestly how he makes me feel. Sure I want a child and to expand our family and all of the wonderful stuff...but I'm so perfectly content that, everything else just seems so much less important than loving this man and being loved.
Pictures and video on Flickr!

Weekend Travels, Much to Look Forward To.

Tomorrow we leave for a weekend in Maryland, to [surprise] celebrate my grandfather's 70th birthday. I am really looking forward to it. Not the drive, mind you, but the fun we'll have once we arrive. My family loves Brad and Brad loves my family...so it makes for a lot of fun and laughs when we all get together.

Tomorrow I have the day off, but Brad has to work a half day. So he is leaving his truck with me and taking my car and I will pack our bags, clean our house, and load the truck up. My brother and dad will be riding with us, mom is flying up there today. I'm excited because when we get up there Friday, we turn around leave an hour later to go see 2 of my [third] cousins play a show...they are in a band. It will be a long day, but a fun night.

Saturday we get up and help my [second] cousin get ready for the surprise party for my Pop-pop. That will be an all day event and a lot of fun...save we get no bad weather from Hannah. I don't know what all is planned, but we'll be seeing family we don't get to see too often and it's always a blast when everyone breaks out their guitars and plays some old school country and blue grass (even though I'm not much of a fan...it does takes talent).

Sunday we are going to get up and go to Baltimore to the Blue Moon Cafe, which Brad and I saw featured on Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives. We've been dying to go ever since it was on that show and it looks so delicious. Mom, Dad, and Bri are all going to go too and we will begin our trek back to NC from there. The only thing that bites about this whole trip is that I forgot to take Monday off...I always take Monday off if I made an out of town trip...oops. So that will unfortunately make for a very tiring week next week, but it's all good and totally worth it.

There are things on my mind that I can't stop thinking about, and it would get very old if I continued to blog about them daily. I am practicing self control, but just so you know...I'm thinking about Baby constantly...and I think about Brad even more often than that.

On a final note, I love having a new name after 23 years of the same 'ol common last name...but what do I do about my twitter and my blog? I tried to leave a comment as myself on someone's blog today and it would not let me use my new email address to leave the comment, I had to log in using the email address associated with this blog instead, boohoo whine whine.

I'm in an odd mood today...

me = high maintenance/needy and I don't know how to fix that...but I want to. (Simmer down now, I said this...not him. He says I'm normal.)

Today is a weird day. Last night was an amazing night. I'm ready for Friday so I can clean my house and pack mine and Brad's clothes and go see my family in Maryland. I'm super stoked about possibly making a date trip to Baltimore to visit a cafe that we saw on Food Network one time; captain crunch coated french toast and tasty cream cheese filled crepes...here I come! Hopefully anyway.

Broken dryer. Broken catalytic converter. Cracked and peeling tires. Grinding brakes. Fuzzy television. I think God is telling Brad and I we need to spend more time at home, less time in front of the tv...all while being naked. I think he's also trying to show us how grateful we need to be for the amazing parents he has blessed us with and the well-providing jobs we both have...because otherwise we would be stuck in a very bad way.

I'm so content. I like things how they are. The only change I am looking for is at least in the execution stage, no telling how long that will be though. I'm just so ready for this to happen, my stomach gets tight and my heart beats faster because, come on already! I can't imagine this taking a year or two or even more, and to think people say I am a patient person, psha.

Can I just say this one little thing without it being pointed at anyone in particular? Why do people feel the need to warn about obvious changes and requirements that come along with having a child instead of celebrating along side of? Do people really honestly believe that we have not thought about financing a child, daycare, middle-of-the-night feedings and why-wont-you-stop-crying moments and all of those other wonderful things that come with parenting? Please do not patronize me, I am not naive and I am certainly capable of thinking and processing information just as well as you.

So yes, life is good. Happy wife? check. Happy husband? check. With Child? 'E' for effort.

Gonna Make You Proud Baby

I have decided the word 'bitty' is not derived from the word 'bitch', but instead the word 'bitter', because what other excuse is there to act like that? Good Lord, my customers can be difficult to deal with sometimes...

On that note...

Sometimes I feel like I'm a total failure in regards to my goals and aspirations. Not that I am lacking in ideas, but in the "follow through" step that comes after realizing what your goals and aspirations are. I'm going to be 24 years old in a few months and I have only a few semesters under my belt for schooling...each semester with a different focus. That's one of those realizations that makes you frown and your shoulders slump. And then, if you are like me, you marry someone with a batchelors degree that teaches children the necessities of life everyday (in the way of mathematics) and your frown becomes a little deeper and your shoulders slump a little lower because, I have so much to be proud of and what do I possess that would make him proud?

I'm thankful that in the last year I have finally leveled with myself and decided that it's not about the financial aspect of a career that matters, but that everyday when I wake up I'm not dreading the decision I made to endure 2-4 years of schooling for THIS. But even so, this last year has still been frustrating in deciding which avenue to take to get to where I want to be. I've gone here, I've applied there, I've searched this and that...it's hard to feel like I actually have any direction what so ever; the financial aspect of things does not help.

Yesterday I applied at a local community college (that I have attended once before...) and I want to start this spring trying to obtain my associates in Human Services Technology. I love people, I love helping people, and I have finally embraced the compassion that I have secretly hated most of my life. I've often been walked on, I've often been taken advantage of, and I'm annoyingly forgiving. Sometimes I just want to stay angry, and then you people have to go and be so nice and prove that a kind answer truly does turn away wrath. So I've decided that in the same way someone is born to be an artist, or a writer, or an actor...I was born to be nice and use this heart shaped, size of a fist, pumping organ in my chest cavity to help you (that's right, YOU.) succeed in this cold, heartless world. Blech, can I throw up now? I know that sounds horrible. And don't take me too seriously, because, I kinda like that people can come to me to feel loved and special and like they are capable. But I just can't help but wonder if being made to help people rather than choosing on my own accord to help them is going to make things feel different. It's kinda like, I love some Krispy Kreme donuts...but if I had to make them every day and had the chance to eat them every day, would I still love them? Unfortunately, this is why I never follow through on my decisions. At least I think so anyway.

I know that I need to grow up. And I know that I need to become something more than what I currently am (even though it does pay nicely...). And that's why it doesn't matter if it gets old or it's difficult to help someone that wants you to do all the leg work for them....because it will give me the opportunity to be me every day that I climb out of bed, and it won't even take a grueling amount of effort. So that's that I guess. The nice thing is that it's not just me making this decision anymore, it's not just my money that I'm investing in my own future...I have a husband backing me (a teacher at that!) and his financial support is invested now too. Plus...I'd really like to make my husband and my children proud of the most important women in their lives. Because guess what? My cooking is pretty average......but my ability to show love and compassion in people's lives is where you see me begin to soar.

Wish me luck? I'll take some prayer too.

Life Changing to Apathy...

So I read this post by Sundry [http://www.sundrymourning.com/2008/08/26/dylan-six-months-and-counting/] (sure wish I knew how to link...) and I'm so overwhelmed with the desire to have a family.
We are trying to conceive now, and it hasn't been long at all since we started and I'm still full of hope and excitement. I can't wait to feel life forming in my body, knowing that when that child comes out of me it will be a combination of my husband and I and that this child will be a part of the rest of my life.
That is the part about making a family that is both scary and exciting all in the same swift heartbeat; this child will be a part of the total rest of my life and the love that I will have for this child is going to bypass any other love I've felt in my entire life.
I imagine picking my child up and supporting its tiny body in my hands, gazing at its gorgeous face, and running my fingers over its smooth cheeks. What is it going to feel like when I smoosh my lips up against its cheeks? What is it going to smell like when I pull it close and smell its little baby head? What am I going to feel like the first time my child responds to my touch in the same way that Dylan responds to Linda? How totally and completely overwhelmed by love and emotion will I be as our child grows and I begin to notice the features that resemble my own or my husbands'?
Lately what has been on my mind is, when does a parent stop marveling at their child and get so comfortable that the child becomes just another fixture in their lives? When do they become so numb to their miracle that they argue with them as if they were a stranger on the street? I've seen so many parents arguing with their children, I've witnessed a lot of heartbreak and hurt between parent and child around me lately and I'm so curious to know what changes and when. I'm not asking these things because I'm claiming that I will never be that way, because I know better than that. But I am just saying that I am curious to know.
My mom has always been there for me, always. She is a permanant fixture in my life and there have been many times in my life that I've not treated her with the absolute most respect that she deserves. From my perspective, there has been no life without her...she has always been there. From her perspective....there was life before me. There was love, friendships, hurt, anger, a first born child, family, etc. So I guess my question is, why does something that you one day thought would change your life forever become something that you are now comfortable with? Why is the magic of a child forgotten? Sometimes it's difficult for me to convey mood and emotion through my writing, so I hope it's understood my tone is not meant to be condescending or "mightier than thou", I am genuinely curious, if only for my future role as a parent.

So if I happen to have any readers, and if I happen to have any readers that are parents, or if I happen to have any readers that have any thoughts on the subject at hand.....let me have it!

Perfect, in a not so perfect way.

Brad and married life are everything I expected them to be. I'm exceedingly happy but I can also be oh-so-frustrated, too. We've worked through some things and have grown and I'm pretty sure this is how it's supposed to be. The amount of communicating we do is amazing and I'm so glad we can be honest with eachother about every.thing. When people say to give it time becase we are still in the honeymoon period, I can't even agree with that. Brad and I have never really had a honeymoon period, for one reason or another. That's not to say that I'm not head over heals in love with the guy and that the slightest touch of his hand doesn't still cause me to go over the moon...but I don't think we're in that fantasy land that believes marriage is going to be perfect and we're going to make babies and live this perfect life that is often portrayed on TV. We are not dillusional, I guess is what I'm trying to say.
Marriage takes work. Marriage takes communication. Marriage is uncomfortable, because there is no room for privacy (to a degree...). Marriage is the merging of two lives into one. And even though all of that sounds like total and complete crap and totally not worth it, it's not crap and it is worth it. The benefits of all of those things that marriage is? The benefits are just, beyond comprehension. That's why to me, it's so important to make sure he is happy. It's important to compromise on the little things, and sometimes even the big things. It's important to remember why we're here together and the journey that brought us here. It's important to remember the commitment that I made to him and the commitment that he made to me. When I'm really freaking angry and I can't even believe he can be so DENSE and I just want to be prideful and not speak to him and give him my "angry eyes" and shake my head at how unbelievable he can be....I remember that I had his ring engraved with "my love, my everything" and I realize that my love does not include anger (1 Corinthians 13:4-8...Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perserveres. Love never fails.) and that if I am going to really give him all of my love and I'm really going to give him my everything, than that means swallowing my pride and forgiving him for something he may not even realize he's done (and even for the things he does know he did)....because it's the right thing to do and because I really DO love him with all that I have inside of me.
Do I think that Bradley and I will always be able to let things roll off our backs as easily as we do now? No. Do I think it will always be as simple as saying, I love you more than that? Probably not. But I will damned if I don't, at the absolute very least, try to be everything that this marriage requires me to be, to be everything that HE needs me to be.

God I love that man so much, he makes my every decision to be bigger than my anger and my pride so totally and completely worth it, he makes me grow and learn and he makes me stronger...I love that he is a part of every single day of my life because I know that without him, my life would be great...but with him? It's better than I could have ever imagined.

Overwhelmed By Him

I wish I could elaborate on how my life is right now because it's blossoming and changing and shaping and there are moments of complete and total fear and insanity (within the confines of my mind....) and moments where I am so totally blown away at the perfection that is, my husband.
After a majorly in depth and lengthy discussion in the earliest hours of the day, things won't ever be the same. We have taken that next step, gone up a level, grown together, become even more unified. I can't stress to you enough the feeling...the indescribable feeling of marriage. It is a mystery...this desire to be someone's everything, even if it means swallowing your own pride and doing what you know in your heart is right by them. It is a mystery that someone would do that for ME, that someone could love me enough to be exactly what my heart needs not only to stay alive, but to thrive and work at full capacity. I sat on our couch in our living room, shaking my head as tears streamed down my cheeks...I can't comprehend that he loves me so much. I can't comprehend that he wants to be beside me, standing tall and strong...just to be my rock. I can't comprehend that it's not for his sake, but for my own. For me. No other reason than that. Total and complete self sacrifice.
I shake my head, try and brush off the selfish feelings that well up inside of me and attempt to revel in the feeling of being someone's everything. I should be enjoying this feeling, but it makes me feel small. I'm not worthy of your everything....I don't deserve the sacrifice of your heart, and yet you tell me that I do. [No I don't, how can you say that, you don't really believe that, do you?]
With time my confidence will grow. It will be okay that I'm his everything, because he is mine as well. He gave me his whole heart because he trusts me that I will take care of it and guard it with my life. He trusts me because I've also given him mine to take care of in the same way. My life is no longer my own, it's ours. I wish I could describe to you the wave of differing emotions that wash over me when I think of forever, when I think of Brad, when I think of what is to come, and when I think of everything we've already tackled in this short period of time. It is a truly indescribable feeling that I think you can only understand once you've felt it yourself. I hope this is what it's supposed to feel like, because if not I need to know how I got so lucky.
It's such a humbling experience to be loved so deeply by someone. It makes me strive to be more, to be better, to be the best.....because he deserves that. I think when you offer yourself so completely to someone, you only deserve to be treated with the utmost respect, the utmost regard.
I hope he knows how much I love him. I hope he knows that he is so totally and completely worth every single day for the rest of my life.

Day to Day Life

I have forgotten what it is like to sleep with someone. Brad and I are still getting used to sleeping in the same bed. We want to be close and cuddle and be right up next to eachother. But it ends up being either very uncomfortable (gets really hot) or we end up awake half the night. We both said last night around 1am that it sure would be nice to get to bed before midnight one night... we haven't made it to bed before midnight since we got home.

But boy oh boy do I love the married life. I can't get over how awesome Brad is, totally and completely. I love the teamwork effort that we have and we try and beat eachother to doing nice things for eachother (ie. cooking eachother breakfast, loading the dishwasher, etc). We bought a devotional last night that we are going to do together...we decided to start getting up in the morning and praying together. I love that I have found someone I can do life with and know that we have the same focus and the same drive for what is important in life, our lives at least.

It's obvious that I can't say enough about Brad and being married and how much I love him and just the awesome stuff that goes along with being his wife and even just a wife period...but it's frustrating when people say "enjoy it now because it won't always be that way". I understand that I can't just live in a fantasy world and believe that life as I knew it before is gone and the rest is just butterflies and fields of flowers, I do get that. But why do I have to feel like there is a looming black cloud a mile away that could speed up and ruin this streak of happiness? Is that really necessary? Can't I be realistic without being pessimistic? I like that people are concerned for me...makes me feel all special and stuff. But why can't people also just be HAPPY for me? That would make me feel special too.

Anyways, this has been an incredibly long week because I've been sick and also because we are finally done traveling and are settling into our routine of life together. We had date night last night and went to dinner and the christian book store to buy a devotional. We have reserved Friday nights for hanging out with friends and other couples....but guess what? I'm so exhausted from this week that I want nothing more than to just enjoy our home quietly, just the two of us. Our weekly routine seems like it's going to be slightly overwhelming and date nights are going to be like a tiny little 3 hour vacation from the outside world.
Here is our weekly routine starting with Sundays...

Sunday: church, lunch with mom and dad, youth group
Monday: work, lunch with mom and dad P
Tuesday: work, worship practice
Wednesday: work, church
Thursday: work, date night!
Friday: work, Seven/couples date
Saturday: reserved for cleaning and friends

I guess I can be excited because I do get to work home for a month at a time and only back on campus for 2 weeks before I get to be back home for a month again. When I start to feel overwhelmed is when people get angry that I haven't made time for them...I want to be a good friend, but there are so many people that are worth making time for and it's difficult and really overwhelming.

Well, enough of all of this....I hope you all have a wonderful day.

Married!

Over these last 6 days we've continued to grow even closer and it's the most awesome feeling being able to look beside me and know that he is there. The deep conversations, the moments of just looking at eachother, the familiarity and the closeness, the smiles, the laughs....my wow! moments come when I start to think that I get this for the rest of my liveable life, I get to have him as a part of the rest of my life. I know things will change and we'll grow and it won't always be as easy as it is right now...but the fact that I know he is there and will be...it makes it all okay. I wish it was like this for everyone, there isn't not one individual that doesn't deserve to be this happy, not a single one.

Love Hurts

Brad has been leaving later and later each night because it's getting closer and closer to our day.
It's surprising how, no matter how much you tell your heart it has to wait until 'such and such' a day to commit on a marriage level, it just won't listen. It's crazy how all of a sudden one day you can wake up and be someone's wife but not feel like the commitment and expectation should not have already started prior to the date. It's just like with in-laws.....do they just all of a sudden become your mother-in-law or brother-in-law or do you start preparing your heart to love them on that level long before that actual day?
So anyways, back to my point...Brad left around midnight last night. I walked him out to his truck and engaged in a truly sappy goodnight that left me feeling reflective and on a cloud somewhere in The Land of Love. As I am walking back to the house from his truck, I was looking to my neighbors house to see if I needed to be embarassed or not. After verifying that our moment was indeed a private one, I turn to look back at the front door (which would be the direction in which I was walking.) and smacked the side of my head into some conduit piping that was peaking out of the back of my dad's work truck. Instant reaction was hand to head, but there was more pipe, so I scratched my hand also.
The side of my head has a wonderful scratch and some red puffiness. Now, you all recall the picture I posted yesterday of my hair-do for the wedding, right? Yeah...an UP DO. I am lucky to have a skilled make-up artist on the job for Saturday. I am also lucky that it was not my wedding band hand that was scratched. I guess if bad things are going to happen you have to look at the bright side to make it okay, right?
So anyways, just thought I would let you all know that, in so many words or less, love smacked me upside the head last night.

The [un]Veiling!

4 Days and Counting....I do believe I am glowing.
I really love fake n' bake because of the wonderful even tan that it gives. I don't do it often, only for special occasions-Prom, bridesmaid in Nate and Sami's wedding, and now for my own wedding. One thing that has happened this go 'round that has never happened before is...raccoon eyes. I try and follow the safety guidelines for tanning because I know that it can be bad for you and I would like to prevent those bad things from happening if at all possible, this is why I wear the goggles. However....I've also never experienced the raccoon eyes like I am right now. I'm thinking about using the fake tan lotion stuff to try and blend it, but who wants orange eyes with a nice brown face and body?? I don't know how I'm going to resolve this...but I have 4 days to figure it out.
I am pretty stoked for these 4 days to fly by. We have new company coming in each day this week. Great Grandmother and Uncle last night, long time family friends tonight, Aunt, Uncle, and Grandparents tomorrow, and more family Thursday and Friday. That makes for a fast week, and I couldn't be more pleased.
I'll be letting someone use my camera at the wedding so that I can get pictures up quicker than from the photographer...gotta figure out who to get to do that....someone who is into pictures as much as I am...we shall see!

Anyways, can't wait to let you wonderful non-existant readers in on my wedding! It's going to be spectacular!

When the Cat is Away....

Brad left this morning to go out of town (2 whole states away!) until Sunday afternoon, when upon return he will be playing in a golf outing. Considering he is not having a bachelor party or what have you next week, he is making up for it this weekend...or so it seems, lol.

I will tell you this, in the 4 months (4 whole months! It even feels longer than that.) that we've been together, we have only been away from eachother for at most, 2days (ATF).

I don't depend on Brad in the sense that I need his presence to make my day functional, but I depend on him in the sense that...he makes my day better than it could ever be with just me. I've said it once and I'll say it again...I am one needy chick. It's going to be a long few days...I will be filling them with packing, unpacking, organizing, cleaning, and warm times with an old and dear friend. This is my last weekend of single life...it's something I am more than willing to part with. I have so much to look forward to. I think he will miss me this weekend too, that's what it seemed like when we were saying goodbye this morning anyway...He missed me while I was at ATF and we've grown a lot closer since then (3 months of seeing eachother every day...).

Along with Brad being out of town comes, my first night in the townhouse :)I do admit this is something I am looking forward to. Don't get me wrong, my first night in the townhouse with my HUSBAND is going to be pretty B.A. as well....but there is something about being here alone that makes me feel like I'm being sneaky, and that is something I don't do much of these days, lol. He asked me if I wanted him to load the shotgun for me....have I mentioned that my redneck fiance (okay, he's not actually redneck at all....maybe just a bit country) keeps a shotgun next to his pillow right beside our bed? Yeah, he does. Being one that has never shot a gun with real bullets (BB guns don't count...), this made me a little nervous at first. I'm getting used to the idea because I've had about 3 people offer to teach us how to shoot correctly and safely.

The countdown is down to 8 days. I am getting married next Saturday. I get to attend a friends' wedding this weekend (same colors, same flower type, same officiant, same sanctuary) and I'm looking forward to seeing how it all works out and looks. We have everything done wedding wise, except that Brad has still not purchased his grooms gifts....tisk tisk tisk.

Time is closing in on us and I feel my heart beating faster, my eyes sparkling brighter and my mouth not being able to lose the smirk that quickly has spread to a an all-out-ear-to-ear-grin, I'm gettin' hitched ya'll! lol

Holiday and Wedding

My first fourth spent with Brad was amazing and I can only hope that the next decade or so of our marriage will be just as exciting. We only have 11 days until we are married and time is flying by....I couldn't be more excited than I am. I'm getting nervous about walking down the aisle and about hoping everything turns out okay and that no one trips and that I don't snort when I'm bawling my eyes out and that there aren't a thousand and one shots of my face contorted in that uncontrollable cry that I have been praying doesn't happen to me....I so do not want to cry, Oh God. I want to be beaming with smiles and squealing with excitement, that's what I want. But I have a sinking feeling that I will not be able to control the tears because Oh My Gosh, Brad is standing in front of me committing to love me FOR. EVER. Holy Crap.


There have been small bouts of drama lately and I am actually baffled that it's happening because I guess I was nieve to think that things would be different with this wedding than other weddings. I guess everyone hopes that their special day will not affect others and that everyone will just be happy and smiling right along with you. I'd be lying if I said I haven't felt absolutely selfish throughout this whole process...I hate knowing that my parents have spent thousands of dollars on this one particular day and that they did it for me. I know I know, this is the one day I'm allowed to be selfish...but I hate it. I hate that our special day has caused unnecessary stress on people that we love and care about. If I knew I wouldn't have ended up regretting it a few years down the road, I would have happily gone and gotten married at a small wedding chapel in South Carolina with only family in towe, and that would have happened probably a month ago instead.

Brad and I were talking the other night after feeling hurt, let down, and frustrated...we agreed that all we need is eachother to make our lives happy because we are eachothers' family now...I am responsible for making him feel happy and loved and he is responsible for making me feel happy and loved....no one else is a part of that equation ('cept God...).
So, I will end with a picture of our arms around eachother, smiling, because we couldn't be happier than to be holding on to eachother for the rest of our lives.

Conservative Thoughts on Marriage

I often run off 6 hours or less of sleep. I'm grateful for 2 things.

1. I am grateful that I am a morning person.
2. I am grateful that I love Brad enough to not allow my usual too-tired-to-be-nice attitude to take over at night when we are spending our time together.

We have company in all the time from out of town during the summer. I never realized it until this summer because I've never had anyone comment on it...I'm just so used to it that it doesn't even phase me. I think Brad enjoys how close all of my family is. Well I take that back, sort of. I think he enjoys it once he gets past the initial idea of it all. When he hears that company is coming in he kind of has one of those "oh geeze, more meet and greet..." attitudes. But then the company gets here and he sees that the atmosphere is laid back and relaxed and we just have a lot of laughs and THAT is when I see him come out of his shell and really start to be himself. I love watching how he is with people, he is so....great. I mean, I don't know how to describe it. He talks and laughs and tells stories and I love to watch him be the life of the party...it makes me so proud and I am more than happy to sit back quietly and let him take the lead.
You know how the Bible talks about a woman submitting to her husand? I know that is often a topic for discussion because, wow....that sure does seem like it gives the man the total upper hand and the woman has no voice what-so-ever. But what people fail to see is that the Bible also says for husbands to love their wives like Christ loved the church. We know Christ obviously loved the church because well, anyone remember that whole dying on the cross thing? Yeah. Not to mention....he made a covenant with Israel and even though they screwed up left and right and broke their side of the covenant, God continued to love them and take care of them. So really, if you ask me, the women get the easier task out of the two. I mean, my husband has to love me enough to want to die for me? And all I have to do in turn is submit to his authority? Which if you think about it, if your husband truly loves you, submitting to him isn't going to be difficult because he's not going to require anything of you that would cause you harm or too much discomfort...right?
Okay, basically what I am trying to say in a round about way (get to the point!!) is that I am so willing and happy to be coming underneath Brad's authority because it's a worthwile sacrifice. I'm lucky to be marrying someone who thinks like me when it comes to marriage and the commitment that we are entering into together. There are so many marriages that start out with the wrong mindset or the couple hasn't even discussed what eachother's role will be in the marriage and they end up failing miserably and ending in a divorce.
I realize that I am a pretty hardcore conservative when it comes to marriage. I am comfortable with that. I tend to be pretty liberal when it comes to issues that are not outright black and white. But I feel like marriage is a black and white issue (not in regards to race, you know what I mean...) with little-to-no gray area.
You know how "they" say that when women are pregnant they start nesting and getting prepared and it's au natural? I feel like I'm in my nesting period for marriage. I want to be ready for my husband, I want to be ready to take care of him and be there for him and for him to be confident that I am there for him and trust him.
23 days...I can't wait to be home.

Give and Take

When it comes to how I "do" relationships, I am a follower and not a leader. I treat you how you treat me. If you are stand-offish and ignore me than I will probably do 2 things...

1. not call you anymore
2. ignore you

I get so frustrated with relationships in my life requiring more out of me than what the other person is willing to give. DO NOT put expectations on me that you are not willing to put on yourself, bottom line.
I am the kind of person that, I have no problem giving all that I have to maintain a relationship. I don't care if it takes me swallowing my pride, or requires an action/emotion that is not natural or characteristic of me, or I don't mind sitting up at 11:30 to talk to you about a problem even if I have to get up at 5:30 for work....I have no problem doing any of those things. But let me tell you this....I can only do that for so long without feeling like I could do or expect the very same thing out of you.
Now...it's not like I do those things because I am looking for them in return, I do them because I care. And I don't get upset if you don't do them because I am selfish and feel like I deserve them....I get upset because I do those things as a result of my love for you and expect you to do them for me because you love me too.

There have been numerous situations in my life lately that have brought this to the surface. It's not any one particular situation or individual, it's just a few situations added up and have left me where I am today.

Home

I walked up the stairs and through the doorway, taking in the feeling and the anticipation. I sat down on our bed and looked around slowly, wanting to remember this feeling. I'm imagining how many times I'm going to sit down on this very same spot and look at these very same walls and take for granted the easy, comfortable feeling of home.
This is the bed that I am going to lay in with my husband every single night. These are the walls that I will look at every day, that will protect my husband and I from cold and rainy nights. That's the closet where our clothes will hang together. This is the room that will witness many a romantic night, where our children will be conceived, where we will whisper to eachother "I love you so much" while the other is sleeping soundly at 2am. These are the walls that will absorb arguments and heated conversations, words that neither of us meant to say.
These are OUR walls, this is OUR bed, this is OUR home.
And so I cried tears of happiness.

Writer's Block, Stephanie Style

Take a look at the close relationships in your life (significant other, family, friends, etc.), what are some of the perks and benefits that add to their significance? What makes the relationship so special and unique?

So Blessed!

I feel so lucky to be where I am, with what I have, and who I have around me. I was reading Leah's blog the other day (sure wish I knew how to link...) and she said something along the lines of, weddings bring out the worst in people and babies bring out the best. I am happy to say that, while that is true for most people, it is not true for me. I have seen so many nice things happen as a result of my wedding coming up. Sure, there has been some drama that could have been detrimental to the wedding going off without a hitch...but not drama stemming from the wedding planning itself.
I have had 2 bridal showers so far. Both have yielded many gifts and laughs and a genuine show of happiness for my fiance and I. Best bridal shower moment yet...me opening lingerie and touch massage oil and blushing like some shy virgin...it's amazing what a year and a half of abstinence will do to a girls embarassment threshold.

Brad is moving into our townhouse today. I can't believe we are 32 days out, holy crap, I'm getting married folks!! Bridal shoot this weekend hopefully.

In other halarious news...an old friend from Raleigh sent me a message on MySpace that he would love to hang out sometime. I told him I would love to hang out, just dont expect me to drink a whole bunch because I had started going back to church and am now a christian and blah blah blah. He hasn't replied yet, and I think it's halarious. It just makes me appreciate my accepting friends so much more...Melanie, Laura, Rob, Becca, etc.

Work time...

Hello blog world! :)

So I've mentioned that my fiance is a teacher, and well, that's just kinda hot in my opinion. Don't ask, I guess I'm just weird like that. But he just had to go and make a bet with his kids that if they all passed he would get a mohawk...and you know what that means for me? The hot factor just quadrupled. If this man does not chill out, there is just going to be too much hot. Can there really be too much hot you ask? Yes. Guess it's a good thing I'm so attracted to him considering we both plan to live long lives together, but it's a bad thing that July 19th is still 44 days away....
Mohawk pictures to be added soon (if he will cooperate, he loathes pictures).

I love the pool. I just thought you should all know how much I love swimming and floating around in the refreshing water. But it's getting warmer outside and pretty soon the water won't be refreshing. Well, I hope it will be...but the pool got warmed up quick this year and before you know it, it will feel like bath water.

I am in such a wonderful mood this morning. My whole week turned around and I'm feeling great. Tomorrow is Friday and that is just going to be awesome. After I get off work I'm taking my dress to Selma to get it altered (I know, I said I wasn't getting it altered, but I have enough stress to worry about without having to worry about 15/20 lbs to lose in 44 days...) and then Brad and I are going out to eat (on a DATE!) and then back to the house for a relaxing swim. Ahh, life is so good. The closer it gets to the wedding the more I wonder what I'm going to feel like that week at work, that night at the rehearsal, the next morning waiting for 2 o'clock to JUST GET HERE ALREADY, at the reception with my HUSBAND and that night when I get to be with my husband for the VERY FIRST TIME....that week no one is going to be able to talk to me. I think I'll be temporarily deaf, or temporarily living on another planet, and I'll be lookin' seriously spaced out. I remember on June 1st I was thinkin', dang, still have a month and a half to go! And now we're 5 days into the month and I'm like, where the heck did the last 5 days go?? So I know that the wedding will be here before we know it.

We paid for the carpet last week in the townhouse and we're waiting on an install date (Wednesday!). Once the carpet gets put in I will be taking and posting pictures for sure, I can't wait :) I hung our first picture the other day after my bridal shower. I also got to meet one of our neighbors (out back, directly behind us) and she's flippin' great. She's a total hippy and just got done island hopping (?!?!!)...I can't wait to hear some stories and get to know her.

Guess that's all for now!

Summer Time, and the Livin's Easy

I love that summer feels like it does. It's not just the warm weather, but the feeling of long nights relaxing lazily. I'm lucky enough to live in a home with not only a pool, but a pond and a stream too...and I am so grateful. I love getting home from work and eating a nice dinner cooked on the grill and then sitting out back rocking with my feet up and head leaned back, eyes closed, playing footsies with my future husband. Ahh, what a life.
And then it gets more warm and this wonderful attitude I have right now goes straight out the window. I plan to work on that this year...lol.

I haven't continued writing about the things I had planned to write about, because life is so good right now that I don't need to look into the past to feel happy. I miss those friendships, but they are happy memories and I'm content to leave them there right now. I have so much planned this summer and so many things to look forward to. There are blossoming friendships, late night swims, marrying the man I'm head over heels for and enjoying alll that comes with that, family reunions, spending time with my brother, adopting a brand new family, beginning a new life as a wife and not just a daughter. Things are wonderful, and that warm breeze blowing softly through my wildly curly hair only enhances the feeling.

Impatient and Incapable

Blogging is no fun without readers, that's for sure.

Food Enemies Are Worse Than Food Allergies

So let’s talk about food here for a minute. Those of you that have seen me know that I obviously have a pretty healthy relationship with food. Not healthy in that my body is healthy, but healthy in that I’m not for want. I am proud to say that I’ve lost 50 lbs and continue to be on the losing track (well as long as I’m not slacking on the weekends…) so I'm on my way to a healthy body instead.

But how about we talk about what I really want to talk about, like cinnamon and eggs.
Don’t ask me why I want to provide you with two stories that would allow you never ending ammo in making fun of me…but I do think it’s funny and I like to make people laugh, so here we are.

Story Numero Uno:

Eggs. I love eggs; I can’t tell you how much I love eggs. One of my fonder memories is my father teaching me how to make a scrambled egg in the microwave. What a glorious day, the day I learned how to make an egg in one single minute. But no, that wasn’t enough for me, I wanted more. I wanted to have the luxury of an egg in the microwave, but with that warm, runny, yellow center. So I cracked the egg in the microwave safe dish and put it in the microwave for about a minute. I mean, who wouldn’t, right? So everything got nice and fluffy and white and boy-oh-boy did it look good! Until I saw the area around the yolk was still snot like in texture. So hey, how about another 30 seconds? And would you believe that area around the yolk still resembled snot?? I tell you what, I really contemplated another 30 seconds because technically I coulda’ made an authentic sunny side up egg right in the pan for the same amount of time at this point. But none the less, my little 12 year old mind just wasn’t fully developed (…or something.) and decided to go for another 30 seconds. I pull it out; the white of the egg is practically Rubbermaid Tupperware now. I take my fork and carefully peel back the white to reveal my beautiful flowing yellow TIME BOMB. That junk blew up in my face. Who knew that a yolk could turn into a live bomb all within 2 minutes? I wonder if terrorists know this…. There was egg EVERYWHERE. We lived on 4 acres of land at that time and our shed/garage thing was at the other end of the property. Well would you know that the dumb time bomb of an egg was loud enough that my father comes bolting in the house expecting to see his little girl in the company of a gun; instead he found his little girl covered in egg bits unable to move due to pure and utter shock. I unfortunately ended up with a wonderful scab above my left eye…and we had to stand on a chair to clean the ceiling.

Story Numero Dos:

So there was Alec, and he was pretty much a boney bundle of fun. And he and I and Erin and Nick used to hang out at my house a lot. He had a habit of offering up a dollar for any willing candidate to attempt a stunt of his choosing. I rarely cared for a dollar…or the embarrassment of attempting stunts I knew I could not accomplish. However, on this rare occasion, I felt pretty confident that I was a good candidate and that I would happily end up with a dollar in my pocket. Alec dared me that I could not swallow a tablespoon of cinnamon. I smiled real big because cinnamon is one of my favorite flavors in the world and I just knew that I could choke down a lousy tablespoon. You see where this is going I’m sure. So I get a nice little spoon full and tip my head back and dump into my mouth that rounded spoon full of cinnamon goodness. I was alright at first; I mean I think I definitely coughed a little because of its fine powdery consistency. But I quickly realized that I was incapable of breathing through my mouth…and to follow directly behind that realization, the realization that I also could not breathe through my nose. Who knew that cinnamon was a life sucking, soul capturing, jerk of a spice? It does this thing where as you are swallowing, the moisture in your mouth basically becomes nonexistent right about that point where your nasal cavity meets your throat. So Nick and Erin were just overcome with laughter by now; we had one thing and one thing only in common…there was tears running down each of our cheeks. Poor Alec was freaking out about as much as I was, pounding me on the back shouting the command of, “BREATHE!” And boy did I try. After many glasses of water, a lot of coughing and gagging, and a sink full of chunky cinnamon I could breathe again. My throat hurt for about a week after that and I still have a bad feeling when I eat anything with a strong cinnamon flavor.

So there you have it, 2 of my favorite foods becoming my enemies because of my own stupidity. It is okay if you laugh, I’m still alive, breathing, and smiling to the max! :)

And for the record, I never got a dollar from Alec. I mean, I didn't successfully accomplish the task, therefore, no dollar. I vote that I should have gotten the dollar for nothing less than a fearless attempt...

Tongue Lashings

I'm taking a break writing about my past friendships for a moment and writing something different. I wrote this same thing on my livejournal, but decided to write it here too since it is a fairly personal glimpse into the person I am trying to be...Might be helpful for anyone who doesn't know me, but would like to.

Feeling kinda weird today. Feeling a little somber, little quiet, feeling small. As always, not sure I can get my words out right to describe what I'm really feeling. I guess I just feel little. Or belittled. Maybe that's better. I hold my tongue in lots of aspects of life because it is the right thing to do, but sometimes I just want that release. I'm not sure why, any other time I've chosen to not hold my tongue it has always been ended up disasterous. I've ruined various friendships/relationships and really hurt people, causing a lot of regret. It's really kind of funny. People have always told me that I'm one of the nicest people they've ever met, that they can't see me being mean, or they can't see me being hurtful, or that they can't see me losing my temper...and I'd love it if I could say that they were right. But I've had my time of losing control, I've had my moments of pure and utter rage, I've had moments where I couldn't believe that those words came out of my mouth or those actions were my own.
But through all of that, I've learned that sometimes holding my tongue or speaking enouraging words instead is more often than not the better choice. Proverbs 15:1 says "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" and I've kind of taken on that attitude, not even kind of, I definately have. The thing is that it's not easy, by any means. And I often wonder if I'm going to end up being bitter about it down the road and turn into some outspoken, hated, bitty of a woman that needs her tongue cut out, because hooo boy!
But even more so than wondering that...I honestly believe and pray that as I continue to do the right thing, my heart will remain soft and that as time goes by it will become easier and easier to make the right choices, and based on experience...I will be blessed for my choices. I guess you could compare it to some people's belief in Kharma...along the same lines, I believe scripture in that...you reap what you sew. You get back what you put in. And I really hope that in the mean time, those good decisions will be an example. Gosh that sounds really self-righteous and self-centered....but that's not how I mean it. I just know that, sure, sometimes I just want to let loose and go off...but all the other times I feel so much better knowing I did the right thing. And that's really the example I want to be, if possible...I don't know what I'm hoping to prove by typing all of this out and babbling on and on, except to hopefully puff myself back up a little bit and stop feeling like what I have to say doesn't matter. I'm going to school to be a counselor for God's sake...if what I say doesn't matter to SOMEONE, than I'm wasting thousands of dollars on my education...not to mention a lot of time and energy.

Gone are the days...

Alright, so I promised to write about my friends from CHS, GCF, and Capital. Not quite sure who that promise even matters to, but I keep my promises. And so I will attempt to compose a half decent account of my friendships from those places…or at least CHS in this post. These posts seem to become much longer than expected as I compose them….

High school was not exactly the most pleasant experience of my life. Actually, pretty much anything school related I would be happy to neatly tuck away in some dark corner never to be revisited. However, I actually met some really cool people there...so that option is well, not an option.
I moved to North Carolina my freshman year of high school. I know, crazy right? Moving to a brand new state the beginning of my high school career?? How about we add some icing to that delicious cake, it was also my first year in public school...ever. I had attended "Christian School" from pre-school until 8th grade and public school was well, quite the new experience. It really could have gone either way...I could have stayed sheltered and naive or I coulda' busted out of my tightly constructed shell and gone "buck-wild". I count myself lucky, because neither of those 2 things happened (at least not until later), I found a happy medium somewhere right in between.
I can remember orientation, everyone had on their melon, orange, and red Tommy Hilfiger polo shirts with their khaki bell bottoms or golf shorts. I was still wearing straight leg pants with t-shirts and white tennis shoes from cheap clothing stores in Maryland that have long since been shut down, and who was this Tommy guy?
I met Sheila at orientation. She had on a tight red baby doll shirt with black jeans; the legs were 5 times bigger than her own. She was short and had her long hair pulled back in a pony tail. She was friendly and talked a lot.
My brother walked me to my classes for the first few weeks of school until I figured everything out. I can't remember who I spent the most time with during those first few years. Oh I remember their names, but I don't have any stories that are worth re-telling on here. There was Janie, whose brother was in Virginia because he had done something bad and got sent away. There was Heather, who had moved from Mt. Airy just like I had, except North Carolina instead of Maryland. There was Allison, she was quiet but fun and, like me, just wanted someone to be best friends with. There was Crystal and Angelica, and Deanna...she looked just like Brittney Spears in the early days. There was Aimee and Sara (without the H, thank you very much!) and Patty, Kerri, and Lindsay. To be honest, I probably spent most of my time with Sara. That is until my brother “stole” her from me…they dated for 5 years and she is the reason that he moved to Wilmington, however not the reason he stayed.
The friends that I enjoy remembering at CHS are Nicole, Christina, Danielle, Jeff, and Sonya. Weirdly enough, Nicole and I stayed friends sporadically and when I began dating my ex, she ended up knowing him and his brother from before she ever met me, they had gone to middle school together.
Christina…the memories that I have with that girl are insane and countless. We had so many inside jokes it was beyond ridiculous. I experienced many “firsts” with her…including smoking pot and skipping school. She ended up in the hospital after the first time we smoked pot…it was laced with something and she was not digging the hot pink hammers flying at her face. I was grounded for 3 months for that one. We also skipped school to go to the fair. Would you believe the school never caught us, but my dad did? Yup, grounded for that one too. Her and my best friend at the time were interested in each other. I began cleaning out my storage unit this past weekend and found a note from her about him, she wanted me to tell him that she’d love to be his girlfriend when she was through being grounded…good times.
Danielle and I still talk on a regular basis, she found me on MySpace after seeing me in Wal-Mart. I had been afraid to speak up…would she remember me? Evidently so. She is married with 3 boys and is so much different than she was back then…but she still calls me “chica” and it makes me smile. Danielle, Lindsay, and I used to meet at the Sonic after school before I had to be at work. We found a pack of Newport’s on the ground one day after school, there were 6 left. Lindsay said she had been hoping to start smoking again anyway (???); we lit them up and so began my nicotine addiction. Those were the days when I was not talented enough to light my own, so either Danielle, Lindsay, or some-guy-that-I-cannot-for-the-life-of-me remember his name would light them. Hilariously enough, they did this for about 3 months before I got the guts to try on my own. Ahh, the good days.
Jeff and Sonya were basically my best friends throughout junior and senior year. We had Allied Health Science classes together and learned how to take blood pressure and wipe butts. We used to take our lunch off campus against school rules and smoke Nat Sherman’s and eat Bojangle’s fries with egg n’ cheese biscuits while listening to Thousand Foot Krutch and Missy Elliot. Sonya has a baby now and is in the Air Force, we talk occasionally. Jeff moved to New York after high school and I’ve never been able to find him again, which makes me unbelievably sad.
High School sucked…but these people left their mark on my heart. They will always be remembered fondly and I can only hope they have as many great memories of me as I do of them.
GCF and Capital to come next….Nate will probably have an entry all to himself.

My old life at New Life

As a continuation of the previous post on friendship, New Life invokes a wide aray of feelings and emotions. I probably learned more at that school than I've ever learned anywhere else in my life. I attended that school from 5th Grade until 8th grade, 4 years. I learned the Bible, I learned about friends, I learned about hurts and back-stabbing from both adults and classmates, I learned sports, and I learned that my mom will always be my number one fan, I learned that Math and History would always be a struggle.
I met some of my favorite people at New Life. Sharon and Kelly were awesome friends. The 3 of us had the common interest of horses and boys, specifically our brother's friends. Sharon and I played basketball together and were "ball girls" for the soccer team. We stayed friends even after I moved...up until the point that we ran out of things to talk about...now I see her on MySpace and we truly are 2 different people. I still think about her with the biggest smile. I remember singing Ace of Base and being too chicken to play "bloody mary" at midnight on her birthday.There are 3 other people that I kept in touch with for a short period of time after moving-Kathy, Alyson, and Valerie. Kathy hurt my feelings, and we stopped talking. Alyson moved to New York and we used to talk on the phone...don't even know what happened there. She is on my Facebook and seems good. Valerie used to write me letters and send me cards and I wish I could just find one of them so I could send her a letter...I don't think I ever wrote her back and I feel awful. I just remembered her last name though, so now I'll have to search her on Facebook.I kept in touch with Noah for awhile too, until he sent me a really mean email about sending forwards and basically made me feel really stupid. That still blows me away that someone would feel okay with making someone feel that stupid. My face still burns with embarassment when I remember receiving that email...I remember both Julie's, Lainey, Robby, Luke, Daniel, Melanie, Marcus, Matt, etc. There were about 5 or 6 people that treated me...badly to say the least. It's not worth listing their names, because I'm over it. Actually, I've talked to 3 of them since then, and we are all adults now. I'm still "fat" and I still have a bit of a different laugh...but they are adults now and have learned to appreciate someone for qualities other than those of which they used to make fun of me for. It's funny because I emailed one of the Julie's on MySpace and she replied, "Oh yea! I remember you! I used to come to your house and play after school!" And it was at that point that I realized that sometimes you remember people a lot differently than they remember you...She came to my house once for my birthday, and it was on a Saturday.
Sometimes I wish things had been different back then. I wish that my teachers had been better and more supportive and that kids weren't so cruel. I wish my friendships had lasted and that we could have realized then what we all know is important now. But things weren't different, and I learned a lot from the experience. Some of those realizations have taken years and have taken the help of new friends to truly understand, but none the less have shaped who I am as a person today.
New Life taught me what friendship is and isn't. And New Life taught me to let go of the image that others created of me, and to create my own. New Life also taught me that everyone struggles with their own demons and that instead of contributing to those struggles I need to encourage and uplift lest I be to someone what those few people were to me.

Growing up is hard to do...

One thing I've never been good at is losing a friendship that I had every intention of working to keep. To me friendship isn't a whole lot different than a romantic relationship in that, it takes work to maintain. I've lost numerous friendships over the years. I realize that I am only 23 years old, but I've had some really great people in my life in that time. I'm sad to say that none of my NC friendships prior to my last relationship are even remotely close to what they were. Actually, I can only think of one individual that even still speaks to me with any interest at all (Hi, Alec!).
People change, priorities change, location changes, etc....it's all just part of growing up and becoming who you are going to be as an adult.
There have always been those friendships though that are worth working to keep. Unfortunately, the feeling has not been reciprocated. Believe me when I say that I'm not angry about it and I don't lose sleep over it, but it does sting just a little when reflecting on those memories.
I'm going to take it back to the old school and start the list of friends that I think about often, but talk to never.
*Neighborhood Friends*
There was Laura Presimone. We were the bestest and I was, sad to say, the one that screwed that one up. I think about her all the time and would love to see how she is doing these days.
*Liberty Church/Mt. Airy Full Gospel*
Luke...man he was my best friend. He's still around, and we have each other on Facebook, and me and his sister still talk, and his parents come down every year for 4th of July...and all that good stuff. But man, I miss the Luke that I knew. Granted, we were like...13. And really, how can a 23 year old miss a friendship from one of the most awkward and underdeveloped stages in one’s life? But I do, and I have so many fond memories with him and his family.
The Evans family (dun nuh nuh nuh ::snap snap::). My parents and I have tried to find them again. She was my first and second grade teacher and I had a crush on her son Matthew, lol. We went to church with them and hung out with them lots (carpool!). I remember I sat on Jennifer's birthday cake on the way to school and she hated me after that. We went to their house for SuperBowl one year because they lived in PA and the Steelers had made it. It was an all day long event and we had been hanging out in this abandoned house in a field the whole time. It got dark and we were running around with flashlights. We saw lights come on in the abandoned house and freaked out a little, us girls anyway. The boys went to investigate and a shoe, among other things, was promptly thrown out the front door chasing us all away. Back then we thought it was a ghost. Now that I'm older and [ahem] wiser, I know that it was probably just a homeless person wishing us pesky kids would leave his safe haven alone.
Amber Levoe and Kim Toben….Now those were some awesome friends. Kim and I talked probably up until I was 12, about a year before moving to NC. I’ve tried to find both of them. I think I may have found Amber on MySpace and tried to add her and was denied, ouch. I haven’t been able to find Kim though, makes me sad. I remember going to Kim’s house probably about once a year. My mom would meet her mom in New Market and I’d climb in the van with her and her sisters and we would play a game that consisted of us trying and stake claims on horses that we passed by on our way to her house. We would swim in her pool and hang out with Sophia and Danny and try and avoid Lauren. I remember we played truth or dare one time and I had to kiss Danny and it was the most awful kiss ever because I was nervous and made a smacking noise with my lips lol (Have no fear, I’m much better now, just ask Brad). I also remember going to Kim’s house a few days after I blew an egg up in my face (another post, another day) and I had a scab on my eye and it was definitely ugly.
Amanda was, is, and will always be my best friend on some kind of level. Sure things have changed, but there is too much there. And umm, we’re family so I guess that kind of helps lol. We’ve gone through a lot together, and we’ve gone through a lot separate. But one thing is certain; we’re always on each other’s minds and we’ll always love each other unconditionally. Not to be cliché, but she is the sister I never had.
I guess because I’ve mentioned Amanda and Luke I should go ahead and mention the others, even if I do see them every year. Timmy, Amy, Melody, and Julia….I’ve known them for about 18 years now and they are officially my longest friends ever, those friendships I cherish and love being able to see change and grow.
Some other friendships from Liberty that deserve mention are Brianna, Brandon, and Chris. I will never understand what the heck was going on in my 13 year old brain to call a 19 year old man and tell him I was in love with him…uh that one definitely goes down in the charts as top 5 regrets (no I’m not embarrassed, that’s just sunburn…no really…)
My friendships and experiences from NLCS probably deserve an entry all to themselves.


I’ve only written about a small portion of my life and only a few people so far, and I’ve barely even scratched the surface. This will probably be an on-going list broken into individual entries. I guess LiveJournal beats out a blog if only for the wonderful ability to put long entries behind a cut.

Still to come….
· Stories and friends from New Life Christian School
· Friends from CHS, GCF, and Capital
· Friends that have remained and I cherish
· The hilarious story of how an egg gave me a scab on my eye.
· While I’m at it with the food stories, I’ll tell ya about the cinnamon one too.

Dating Bradley...err Badly.

One thing I've realized is that I am really bad at dating. If you look at my track record of relationships you will see that my dating skills are nonexistent. Truly and honestly, I do not know how to date. What is dating? I have technically only had 2 boyfriends, besides my now fiancé (muah muah muah, much love to ya baby). One relationship lasting for a month (I was broken up with on my 18th birthday...thanks again for that one Pat) and one lasting for four years.
The month long relationship mainly consisted of me playing chauffer and buying things for him. [Exhibit A as to why I am bad at dating] We would talk on the phone and he would either tell me about all of the alcohol he was consuming at the time or pass the phone off to his friends for me to talk to them instead. And would you believe that when he broke up with me (ahem, on my 18th birthday) he sprayed a napkin with his cologne and handed it to me saying, "This is something to remember me by, smell it when you miss me." I'm happy to say that the very next day I made a small bonfire in my best friend's drive-way...smell THAT sucker!
The four year long relationship consisted of me molding, changing, and shaping myself as a person to match the person that he was, or at least the person that I thought he wanted me to be. [Exhibit B as to why I am bad at dating] That is probably the only reason the relationship lasted as long as it did, I didn't know how to function as an individual anymore and I was scared to try. That is one thing that I now know is in the top 5 things dating should NOT consist of. Actually, I learned a lot of "should not" from that relationship...nothing against him or anything. So while I now know what dating should not consist of, what SHOULD it consist of?
I think dating is the process of finding the type of person that you do or do not want to be with. But what does the process involve? I personally know that when I am attracted to someone and they become an interest of mine it is difficult to slow myself down enough to not want to call them or talk to them every second of every day. I do know that this is called "obsession" or "infatuation" and definitely not called "dating”. I also know that it is a huge deal breaker for a guy. What is too much? How much is too much? How often is too often? How soon is too soon? [Exhibit C as to why I am bad at dating]
My newest relationship (with whom I will be marrying in approx. 90 days...Exhibit D as to why I am bad at dating) has been the closest I have come to what I think dating should be. Sure, we are moving at the speed of light, but that is because this is one of those "special cases" relationships. You know what I mean, the ones that you feel an immediate connection and you just know this is it? Yes, we've set a date and we are buying a townhouse and I've got my dress. But one great thing about us is we haven't stopped dating each other in the process. We're planning our life, and gaining tools to help us build it...but we're still taking the time we need to get to know each other and learn each other’s personalities and quirks. It's really actually pretty cool. We’re learning to celebrate our differences and encourage each other’s dreams. We’re learning to adopt each other’s hobbies, but learning how to keep our own. I’m really trying to learn how to remain independent, but show him that I never want to live my life without him. I’m learning to be confident in his love for me, even if he’s not feeling exceptionally romantic. I’m learning that faith doesn’t just apply to my relationship with God, but it applies to my relationship with him as well.
Most of all I am learning that sometimes it takes dating badly to learn how to date at all; But that maybe at the point that I know how to date, I won’t have to anymore.

Alien Planet

And so begins my attempts at the blogger world. Please be kind, I'm just a child.