I have decided the word 'bitty' is not derived from the word 'bitch', but instead the word 'bitter', because what other excuse is there to act like that? Good Lord, my customers can be difficult to deal with sometimes...
On that note...
Sometimes I feel like I'm a total failure in regards to my goals and aspirations. Not that I am lacking in ideas, but in the "follow through" step that comes after realizing what your goals and aspirations are. I'm going to be 24 years old in a few months and I have only a few semesters under my belt for schooling...each semester with a different focus. That's one of those realizations that makes you frown and your shoulders slump. And then, if you are like me, you marry someone with a batchelors degree that teaches children the necessities of life everyday (in the way of mathematics) and your frown becomes a little deeper and your shoulders slump a little lower because, I have so much to be proud of and what do I possess that would make him proud?
I'm thankful that in the last year I have finally leveled with myself and decided that it's not about the financial aspect of a career that matters, but that everyday when I wake up I'm not dreading the decision I made to endure 2-4 years of schooling for THIS. But even so, this last year has still been frustrating in deciding which avenue to take to get to where I want to be. I've gone here, I've applied there, I've searched this and that...it's hard to feel like I actually have any direction what so ever; the financial aspect of things does not help.
Yesterday I applied at a local community college (that I have attended once before...) and I want to start this spring trying to obtain my associates in Human Services Technology. I love people, I love helping people, and I have finally embraced the compassion that I have secretly hated most of my life. I've often been walked on, I've often been taken advantage of, and I'm annoyingly forgiving. Sometimes I just want to stay angry, and then you people have to go and be so nice and prove that a kind answer truly does turn away wrath. So I've decided that in the same way someone is born to be an artist, or a writer, or an actor...I was born to be nice and use this heart shaped, size of a fist, pumping organ in my chest cavity to help you (that's right, YOU.) succeed in this cold, heartless world. Blech, can I throw up now? I know that sounds horrible. And don't take me too seriously, because, I kinda like that people can come to me to feel loved and special and like they are capable. But I just can't help but wonder if being made to help people rather than choosing on my own accord to help them is going to make things feel different. It's kinda like, I love some Krispy Kreme donuts...but if I had to make them every day and had the chance to eat them every day, would I still love them? Unfortunately, this is why I never follow through on my decisions. At least I think so anyway.
I know that I need to grow up. And I know that I need to become something more than what I currently am (even though it does pay nicely...). And that's why it doesn't matter if it gets old or it's difficult to help someone that wants you to do all the leg work for them....because it will give me the opportunity to be me every day that I climb out of bed, and it won't even take a grueling amount of effort. So that's that I guess. The nice thing is that it's not just me making this decision anymore, it's not just my money that I'm investing in my own future...I have a husband backing me (a teacher at that!) and his financial support is invested now too. Plus...I'd really like to make my husband and my children proud of the most important women in their lives. Because guess what? My cooking is pretty average......but my ability to show love and compassion in people's lives is where you see me begin to soar.
Wish me luck? I'll take some prayer too.
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