I have decided the word 'bitty' is not derived from the word 'bitch', but instead the word 'bitter', because what other excuse is there to act like that? Good Lord, my customers can be difficult to deal with sometimes...
On that note...
Sometimes I feel like I'm a total failure in regards to my goals and aspirations. Not that I am lacking in ideas, but in the "follow through" step that comes after realizing what your goals and aspirations are. I'm going to be 24 years old in a few months and I have only a few semesters under my belt for schooling...each semester with a different focus. That's one of those realizations that makes you frown and your shoulders slump. And then, if you are like me, you marry someone with a batchelors degree that teaches children the necessities of life everyday (in the way of mathematics) and your frown becomes a little deeper and your shoulders slump a little lower because, I have so much to be proud of and what do I possess that would make him proud?
I'm thankful that in the last year I have finally leveled with myself and decided that it's not about the financial aspect of a career that matters, but that everyday when I wake up I'm not dreading the decision I made to endure 2-4 years of schooling for THIS. But even so, this last year has still been frustrating in deciding which avenue to take to get to where I want to be. I've gone here, I've applied there, I've searched this and that...it's hard to feel like I actually have any direction what so ever; the financial aspect of things does not help.
Yesterday I applied at a local community college (that I have attended once before...) and I want to start this spring trying to obtain my associates in Human Services Technology. I love people, I love helping people, and I have finally embraced the compassion that I have secretly hated most of my life. I've often been walked on, I've often been taken advantage of, and I'm annoyingly forgiving. Sometimes I just want to stay angry, and then you people have to go and be so nice and prove that a kind answer truly does turn away wrath. So I've decided that in the same way someone is born to be an artist, or a writer, or an actor...I was born to be nice and use this heart shaped, size of a fist, pumping organ in my chest cavity to help you (that's right, YOU.) succeed in this cold, heartless world. Blech, can I throw up now? I know that sounds horrible. And don't take me too seriously, because, I kinda like that people can come to me to feel loved and special and like they are capable. But I just can't help but wonder if being made to help people rather than choosing on my own accord to help them is going to make things feel different. It's kinda like, I love some Krispy Kreme donuts...but if I had to make them every day and had the chance to eat them every day, would I still love them? Unfortunately, this is why I never follow through on my decisions. At least I think so anyway.
I know that I need to grow up. And I know that I need to become something more than what I currently am (even though it does pay nicely...). And that's why it doesn't matter if it gets old or it's difficult to help someone that wants you to do all the leg work for them....because it will give me the opportunity to be me every day that I climb out of bed, and it won't even take a grueling amount of effort. So that's that I guess. The nice thing is that it's not just me making this decision anymore, it's not just my money that I'm investing in my own future...I have a husband backing me (a teacher at that!) and his financial support is invested now too. Plus...I'd really like to make my husband and my children proud of the most important women in their lives. Because guess what? My cooking is pretty average......but my ability to show love and compassion in people's lives is where you see me begin to soar.
Wish me luck? I'll take some prayer too.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Life Changing to Apathy...
So I read this post by Sundry [http://www.sundrymourning.com/2008/08/26/dylan-six-months-and-counting/] (sure wish I knew how to link...) and I'm so overwhelmed with the desire to have a family.
We are trying to conceive now, and it hasn't been long at all since we started and I'm still full of hope and excitement. I can't wait to feel life forming in my body, knowing that when that child comes out of me it will be a combination of my husband and I and that this child will be a part of the rest of my life.
That is the part about making a family that is both scary and exciting all in the same swift heartbeat; this child will be a part of the total rest of my life and the love that I will have for this child is going to bypass any other love I've felt in my entire life.
I imagine picking my child up and supporting its tiny body in my hands, gazing at its gorgeous face, and running my fingers over its smooth cheeks. What is it going to feel like when I smoosh my lips up against its cheeks? What is it going to smell like when I pull it close and smell its little baby head? What am I going to feel like the first time my child responds to my touch in the same way that Dylan responds to Linda? How totally and completely overwhelmed by love and emotion will I be as our child grows and I begin to notice the features that resemble my own or my husbands'?
Lately what has been on my mind is, when does a parent stop marveling at their child and get so comfortable that the child becomes just another fixture in their lives? When do they become so numb to their miracle that they argue with them as if they were a stranger on the street? I've seen so many parents arguing with their children, I've witnessed a lot of heartbreak and hurt between parent and child around me lately and I'm so curious to know what changes and when. I'm not asking these things because I'm claiming that I will never be that way, because I know better than that. But I am just saying that I am curious to know.
My mom has always been there for me, always. She is a permanant fixture in my life and there have been many times in my life that I've not treated her with the absolute most respect that she deserves. From my perspective, there has been no life without her...she has always been there. From her perspective....there was life before me. There was love, friendships, hurt, anger, a first born child, family, etc. So I guess my question is, why does something that you one day thought would change your life forever become something that you are now comfortable with? Why is the magic of a child forgotten? Sometimes it's difficult for me to convey mood and emotion through my writing, so I hope it's understood my tone is not meant to be condescending or "mightier than thou", I am genuinely curious, if only for my future role as a parent.
So if I happen to have any readers, and if I happen to have any readers that are parents, or if I happen to have any readers that have any thoughts on the subject at hand.....let me have it!
We are trying to conceive now, and it hasn't been long at all since we started and I'm still full of hope and excitement. I can't wait to feel life forming in my body, knowing that when that child comes out of me it will be a combination of my husband and I and that this child will be a part of the rest of my life.
That is the part about making a family that is both scary and exciting all in the same swift heartbeat; this child will be a part of the total rest of my life and the love that I will have for this child is going to bypass any other love I've felt in my entire life.
I imagine picking my child up and supporting its tiny body in my hands, gazing at its gorgeous face, and running my fingers over its smooth cheeks. What is it going to feel like when I smoosh my lips up against its cheeks? What is it going to smell like when I pull it close and smell its little baby head? What am I going to feel like the first time my child responds to my touch in the same way that Dylan responds to Linda? How totally and completely overwhelmed by love and emotion will I be as our child grows and I begin to notice the features that resemble my own or my husbands'?
Lately what has been on my mind is, when does a parent stop marveling at their child and get so comfortable that the child becomes just another fixture in their lives? When do they become so numb to their miracle that they argue with them as if they were a stranger on the street? I've seen so many parents arguing with their children, I've witnessed a lot of heartbreak and hurt between parent and child around me lately and I'm so curious to know what changes and when. I'm not asking these things because I'm claiming that I will never be that way, because I know better than that. But I am just saying that I am curious to know.
My mom has always been there for me, always. She is a permanant fixture in my life and there have been many times in my life that I've not treated her with the absolute most respect that she deserves. From my perspective, there has been no life without her...she has always been there. From her perspective....there was life before me. There was love, friendships, hurt, anger, a first born child, family, etc. So I guess my question is, why does something that you one day thought would change your life forever become something that you are now comfortable with? Why is the magic of a child forgotten? Sometimes it's difficult for me to convey mood and emotion through my writing, so I hope it's understood my tone is not meant to be condescending or "mightier than thou", I am genuinely curious, if only for my future role as a parent.
So if I happen to have any readers, and if I happen to have any readers that are parents, or if I happen to have any readers that have any thoughts on the subject at hand.....let me have it!
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Perfect, in a not so perfect way.
Brad and married life are everything I expected them to be. I'm exceedingly happy but I can also be oh-so-frustrated, too. We've worked through some things and have grown and I'm pretty sure this is how it's supposed to be. The amount of communicating we do is amazing and I'm so glad we can be honest with eachother about every.thing. When people say to give it time becase we are still in the honeymoon period, I can't even agree with that. Brad and I have never really had a honeymoon period, for one reason or another. That's not to say that I'm not head over heals in love with the guy and that the slightest touch of his hand doesn't still cause me to go over the moon...but I don't think we're in that fantasy land that believes marriage is going to be perfect and we're going to make babies and live this perfect life that is often portrayed on TV. We are not dillusional, I guess is what I'm trying to say.
Marriage takes work. Marriage takes communication. Marriage is uncomfortable, because there is no room for privacy (to a degree...). Marriage is the merging of two lives into one. And even though all of that sounds like total and complete crap and totally not worth it, it's not crap and it is worth it. The benefits of all of those things that marriage is? The benefits are just, beyond comprehension. That's why to me, it's so important to make sure he is happy. It's important to compromise on the little things, and sometimes even the big things. It's important to remember why we're here together and the journey that brought us here. It's important to remember the commitment that I made to him and the commitment that he made to me. When I'm really freaking angry and I can't even believe he can be so DENSE and I just want to be prideful and not speak to him and give him my "angry eyes" and shake my head at how unbelievable he can be....I remember that I had his ring engraved with "my love, my everything" and I realize that my love does not include anger (1 Corinthians 13:4-8...Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perserveres. Love never fails.) and that if I am going to really give him all of my love and I'm really going to give him my everything, than that means swallowing my pride and forgiving him for something he may not even realize he's done (and even for the things he does know he did)....because it's the right thing to do and because I really DO love him with all that I have inside of me.
Do I think that Bradley and I will always be able to let things roll off our backs as easily as we do now? No. Do I think it will always be as simple as saying, I love you more than that? Probably not. But I will damned if I don't, at the absolute very least, try to be everything that this marriage requires me to be, to be everything that HE needs me to be.
God I love that man so much, he makes my every decision to be bigger than my anger and my pride so totally and completely worth it, he makes me grow and learn and he makes me stronger...I love that he is a part of every single day of my life because I know that without him, my life would be great...but with him? It's better than I could have ever imagined.
Marriage takes work. Marriage takes communication. Marriage is uncomfortable, because there is no room for privacy (to a degree...). Marriage is the merging of two lives into one. And even though all of that sounds like total and complete crap and totally not worth it, it's not crap and it is worth it. The benefits of all of those things that marriage is? The benefits are just, beyond comprehension. That's why to me, it's so important to make sure he is happy. It's important to compromise on the little things, and sometimes even the big things. It's important to remember why we're here together and the journey that brought us here. It's important to remember the commitment that I made to him and the commitment that he made to me. When I'm really freaking angry and I can't even believe he can be so DENSE and I just want to be prideful and not speak to him and give him my "angry eyes" and shake my head at how unbelievable he can be....I remember that I had his ring engraved with "my love, my everything" and I realize that my love does not include anger (1 Corinthians 13:4-8...Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perserveres. Love never fails.) and that if I am going to really give him all of my love and I'm really going to give him my everything, than that means swallowing my pride and forgiving him for something he may not even realize he's done (and even for the things he does know he did)....because it's the right thing to do and because I really DO love him with all that I have inside of me.
Do I think that Bradley and I will always be able to let things roll off our backs as easily as we do now? No. Do I think it will always be as simple as saying, I love you more than that? Probably not. But I will damned if I don't, at the absolute very least, try to be everything that this marriage requires me to be, to be everything that HE needs me to be.
God I love that man so much, he makes my every decision to be bigger than my anger and my pride so totally and completely worth it, he makes me grow and learn and he makes me stronger...I love that he is a part of every single day of my life because I know that without him, my life would be great...but with him? It's better than I could have ever imagined.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Overwhelmed By Him
I wish I could elaborate on how my life is right now because it's blossoming and changing and shaping and there are moments of complete and total fear and insanity (within the confines of my mind....) and moments where I am so totally blown away at the perfection that is, my husband.
After a majorly in depth and lengthy discussion in the earliest hours of the day, things won't ever be the same. We have taken that next step, gone up a level, grown together, become even more unified. I can't stress to you enough the feeling...the indescribable feeling of marriage. It is a mystery...this desire to be someone's everything, even if it means swallowing your own pride and doing what you know in your heart is right by them. It is a mystery that someone would do that for ME, that someone could love me enough to be exactly what my heart needs not only to stay alive, but to thrive and work at full capacity. I sat on our couch in our living room, shaking my head as tears streamed down my cheeks...I can't comprehend that he loves me so much. I can't comprehend that he wants to be beside me, standing tall and strong...just to be my rock. I can't comprehend that it's not for his sake, but for my own. For me. No other reason than that. Total and complete self sacrifice.
I shake my head, try and brush off the selfish feelings that well up inside of me and attempt to revel in the feeling of being someone's everything. I should be enjoying this feeling, but it makes me feel small. I'm not worthy of your everything....I don't deserve the sacrifice of your heart, and yet you tell me that I do. [No I don't, how can you say that, you don't really believe that, do you?]
With time my confidence will grow. It will be okay that I'm his everything, because he is mine as well. He gave me his whole heart because he trusts me that I will take care of it and guard it with my life. He trusts me because I've also given him mine to take care of in the same way. My life is no longer my own, it's ours. I wish I could describe to you the wave of differing emotions that wash over me when I think of forever, when I think of Brad, when I think of what is to come, and when I think of everything we've already tackled in this short period of time. It is a truly indescribable feeling that I think you can only understand once you've felt it yourself. I hope this is what it's supposed to feel like, because if not I need to know how I got so lucky.
It's such a humbling experience to be loved so deeply by someone. It makes me strive to be more, to be better, to be the best.....because he deserves that. I think when you offer yourself so completely to someone, you only deserve to be treated with the utmost respect, the utmost regard.
I hope he knows how much I love him. I hope he knows that he is so totally and completely worth every single day for the rest of my life.
After a majorly in depth and lengthy discussion in the earliest hours of the day, things won't ever be the same. We have taken that next step, gone up a level, grown together, become even more unified. I can't stress to you enough the feeling...the indescribable feeling of marriage. It is a mystery...this desire to be someone's everything, even if it means swallowing your own pride and doing what you know in your heart is right by them. It is a mystery that someone would do that for ME, that someone could love me enough to be exactly what my heart needs not only to stay alive, but to thrive and work at full capacity. I sat on our couch in our living room, shaking my head as tears streamed down my cheeks...I can't comprehend that he loves me so much. I can't comprehend that he wants to be beside me, standing tall and strong...just to be my rock. I can't comprehend that it's not for his sake, but for my own. For me. No other reason than that. Total and complete self sacrifice.
I shake my head, try and brush off the selfish feelings that well up inside of me and attempt to revel in the feeling of being someone's everything. I should be enjoying this feeling, but it makes me feel small. I'm not worthy of your everything....I don't deserve the sacrifice of your heart, and yet you tell me that I do. [No I don't, how can you say that, you don't really believe that, do you?]
With time my confidence will grow. It will be okay that I'm his everything, because he is mine as well. He gave me his whole heart because he trusts me that I will take care of it and guard it with my life. He trusts me because I've also given him mine to take care of in the same way. My life is no longer my own, it's ours. I wish I could describe to you the wave of differing emotions that wash over me when I think of forever, when I think of Brad, when I think of what is to come, and when I think of everything we've already tackled in this short period of time. It is a truly indescribable feeling that I think you can only understand once you've felt it yourself. I hope this is what it's supposed to feel like, because if not I need to know how I got so lucky.
It's such a humbling experience to be loved so deeply by someone. It makes me strive to be more, to be better, to be the best.....because he deserves that. I think when you offer yourself so completely to someone, you only deserve to be treated with the utmost respect, the utmost regard.
I hope he knows how much I love him. I hope he knows that he is so totally and completely worth every single day for the rest of my life.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Day to Day Life
I have forgotten what it is like to sleep with someone. Brad and I are still getting used to sleeping in the same bed. We want to be close and cuddle and be right up next to eachother. But it ends up being either very uncomfortable (gets really hot) or we end up awake half the night. We both said last night around 1am that it sure would be nice to get to bed before midnight one night... we haven't made it to bed before midnight since we got home.
But boy oh boy do I love the married life. I can't get over how awesome Brad is, totally and completely. I love the teamwork effort that we have and we try and beat eachother to doing nice things for eachother (ie. cooking eachother breakfast, loading the dishwasher, etc). We bought a devotional last night that we are going to do together...we decided to start getting up in the morning and praying together. I love that I have found someone I can do life with and know that we have the same focus and the same drive for what is important in life, our lives at least.
It's obvious that I can't say enough about Brad and being married and how much I love him and just the awesome stuff that goes along with being his wife and even just a wife period...but it's frustrating when people say "enjoy it now because it won't always be that way". I understand that I can't just live in a fantasy world and believe that life as I knew it before is gone and the rest is just butterflies and fields of flowers, I do get that. But why do I have to feel like there is a looming black cloud a mile away that could speed up and ruin this streak of happiness? Is that really necessary? Can't I be realistic without being pessimistic? I like that people are concerned for me...makes me feel all special and stuff. But why can't people also just be HAPPY for me? That would make me feel special too.
Anyways, this has been an incredibly long week because I've been sick and also because we are finally done traveling and are settling into our routine of life together. We had date night last night and went to dinner and the christian book store to buy a devotional. We have reserved Friday nights for hanging out with friends and other couples....but guess what? I'm so exhausted from this week that I want nothing more than to just enjoy our home quietly, just the two of us. Our weekly routine seems like it's going to be slightly overwhelming and date nights are going to be like a tiny little 3 hour vacation from the outside world.
Here is our weekly routine starting with Sundays...
Sunday: church, lunch with mom and dad, youth group
Monday: work, lunch with mom and dad P
Tuesday: work, worship practice
Wednesday: work, church
Thursday: work, date night!
Friday: work, Seven/couples date
Saturday: reserved for cleaning and friends
I guess I can be excited because I do get to work home for a month at a time and only back on campus for 2 weeks before I get to be back home for a month again. When I start to feel overwhelmed is when people get angry that I haven't made time for them...I want to be a good friend, but there are so many people that are worth making time for and it's difficult and really overwhelming.
Well, enough of all of this....I hope you all have a wonderful day.
But boy oh boy do I love the married life. I can't get over how awesome Brad is, totally and completely. I love the teamwork effort that we have and we try and beat eachother to doing nice things for eachother (ie. cooking eachother breakfast, loading the dishwasher, etc). We bought a devotional last night that we are going to do together...we decided to start getting up in the morning and praying together. I love that I have found someone I can do life with and know that we have the same focus and the same drive for what is important in life, our lives at least.
It's obvious that I can't say enough about Brad and being married and how much I love him and just the awesome stuff that goes along with being his wife and even just a wife period...but it's frustrating when people say "enjoy it now because it won't always be that way". I understand that I can't just live in a fantasy world and believe that life as I knew it before is gone and the rest is just butterflies and fields of flowers, I do get that. But why do I have to feel like there is a looming black cloud a mile away that could speed up and ruin this streak of happiness? Is that really necessary? Can't I be realistic without being pessimistic? I like that people are concerned for me...makes me feel all special and stuff. But why can't people also just be HAPPY for me? That would make me feel special too.
Anyways, this has been an incredibly long week because I've been sick and also because we are finally done traveling and are settling into our routine of life together. We had date night last night and went to dinner and the christian book store to buy a devotional. We have reserved Friday nights for hanging out with friends and other couples....but guess what? I'm so exhausted from this week that I want nothing more than to just enjoy our home quietly, just the two of us. Our weekly routine seems like it's going to be slightly overwhelming and date nights are going to be like a tiny little 3 hour vacation from the outside world.
Here is our weekly routine starting with Sundays...
Sunday: church, lunch with mom and dad, youth group
Monday: work, lunch with mom and dad P
Tuesday: work, worship practice
Wednesday: work, church
Thursday: work, date night!
Friday: work, Seven/couples date
Saturday: reserved for cleaning and friends
I guess I can be excited because I do get to work home for a month at a time and only back on campus for 2 weeks before I get to be back home for a month again. When I start to feel overwhelmed is when people get angry that I haven't made time for them...I want to be a good friend, but there are so many people that are worth making time for and it's difficult and really overwhelming.
Well, enough of all of this....I hope you all have a wonderful day.
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