I have decided the word 'bitty' is not derived from the word 'bitch', but instead the word 'bitter', because what other excuse is there to act like that? Good Lord, my customers can be difficult to deal with sometimes...
On that note...
Sometimes I feel like I'm a total failure in regards to my goals and aspirations. Not that I am lacking in ideas, but in the "follow through" step that comes after realizing what your goals and aspirations are. I'm going to be 24 years old in a few months and I have only a few semesters under my belt for schooling...each semester with a different focus. That's one of those realizations that makes you frown and your shoulders slump. And then, if you are like me, you marry someone with a batchelors degree that teaches children the necessities of life everyday (in the way of mathematics) and your frown becomes a little deeper and your shoulders slump a little lower because, I have so much to be proud of and what do I possess that would make him proud?
I'm thankful that in the last year I have finally leveled with myself and decided that it's not about the financial aspect of a career that matters, but that everyday when I wake up I'm not dreading the decision I made to endure 2-4 years of schooling for THIS. But even so, this last year has still been frustrating in deciding which avenue to take to get to where I want to be. I've gone here, I've applied there, I've searched this and that...it's hard to feel like I actually have any direction what so ever; the financial aspect of things does not help.
Yesterday I applied at a local community college (that I have attended once before...) and I want to start this spring trying to obtain my associates in Human Services Technology. I love people, I love helping people, and I have finally embraced the compassion that I have secretly hated most of my life. I've often been walked on, I've often been taken advantage of, and I'm annoyingly forgiving. Sometimes I just want to stay angry, and then you people have to go and be so nice and prove that a kind answer truly does turn away wrath. So I've decided that in the same way someone is born to be an artist, or a writer, or an actor...I was born to be nice and use this heart shaped, size of a fist, pumping organ in my chest cavity to help you (that's right, YOU.) succeed in this cold, heartless world. Blech, can I throw up now? I know that sounds horrible. And don't take me too seriously, because, I kinda like that people can come to me to feel loved and special and like they are capable. But I just can't help but wonder if being made to help people rather than choosing on my own accord to help them is going to make things feel different. It's kinda like, I love some Krispy Kreme donuts...but if I had to make them every day and had the chance to eat them every day, would I still love them? Unfortunately, this is why I never follow through on my decisions. At least I think so anyway.
I know that I need to grow up. And I know that I need to become something more than what I currently am (even though it does pay nicely...). And that's why it doesn't matter if it gets old or it's difficult to help someone that wants you to do all the leg work for them....because it will give me the opportunity to be me every day that I climb out of bed, and it won't even take a grueling amount of effort. So that's that I guess. The nice thing is that it's not just me making this decision anymore, it's not just my money that I'm investing in my own future...I have a husband backing me (a teacher at that!) and his financial support is invested now too. Plus...I'd really like to make my husband and my children proud of the most important women in their lives. Because guess what? My cooking is pretty average......but my ability to show love and compassion in people's lives is where you see me begin to soar.
Wish me luck? I'll take some prayer too.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Life Changing to Apathy...
So I read this post by Sundry [http://www.sundrymourning.com/2008/08/26/dylan-six-months-and-counting/] (sure wish I knew how to link...) and I'm so overwhelmed with the desire to have a family.
We are trying to conceive now, and it hasn't been long at all since we started and I'm still full of hope and excitement. I can't wait to feel life forming in my body, knowing that when that child comes out of me it will be a combination of my husband and I and that this child will be a part of the rest of my life.
That is the part about making a family that is both scary and exciting all in the same swift heartbeat; this child will be a part of the total rest of my life and the love that I will have for this child is going to bypass any other love I've felt in my entire life.
I imagine picking my child up and supporting its tiny body in my hands, gazing at its gorgeous face, and running my fingers over its smooth cheeks. What is it going to feel like when I smoosh my lips up against its cheeks? What is it going to smell like when I pull it close and smell its little baby head? What am I going to feel like the first time my child responds to my touch in the same way that Dylan responds to Linda? How totally and completely overwhelmed by love and emotion will I be as our child grows and I begin to notice the features that resemble my own or my husbands'?
Lately what has been on my mind is, when does a parent stop marveling at their child and get so comfortable that the child becomes just another fixture in their lives? When do they become so numb to their miracle that they argue with them as if they were a stranger on the street? I've seen so many parents arguing with their children, I've witnessed a lot of heartbreak and hurt between parent and child around me lately and I'm so curious to know what changes and when. I'm not asking these things because I'm claiming that I will never be that way, because I know better than that. But I am just saying that I am curious to know.
My mom has always been there for me, always. She is a permanant fixture in my life and there have been many times in my life that I've not treated her with the absolute most respect that she deserves. From my perspective, there has been no life without her...she has always been there. From her perspective....there was life before me. There was love, friendships, hurt, anger, a first born child, family, etc. So I guess my question is, why does something that you one day thought would change your life forever become something that you are now comfortable with? Why is the magic of a child forgotten? Sometimes it's difficult for me to convey mood and emotion through my writing, so I hope it's understood my tone is not meant to be condescending or "mightier than thou", I am genuinely curious, if only for my future role as a parent.
So if I happen to have any readers, and if I happen to have any readers that are parents, or if I happen to have any readers that have any thoughts on the subject at hand.....let me have it!
We are trying to conceive now, and it hasn't been long at all since we started and I'm still full of hope and excitement. I can't wait to feel life forming in my body, knowing that when that child comes out of me it will be a combination of my husband and I and that this child will be a part of the rest of my life.
That is the part about making a family that is both scary and exciting all in the same swift heartbeat; this child will be a part of the total rest of my life and the love that I will have for this child is going to bypass any other love I've felt in my entire life.
I imagine picking my child up and supporting its tiny body in my hands, gazing at its gorgeous face, and running my fingers over its smooth cheeks. What is it going to feel like when I smoosh my lips up against its cheeks? What is it going to smell like when I pull it close and smell its little baby head? What am I going to feel like the first time my child responds to my touch in the same way that Dylan responds to Linda? How totally and completely overwhelmed by love and emotion will I be as our child grows and I begin to notice the features that resemble my own or my husbands'?
Lately what has been on my mind is, when does a parent stop marveling at their child and get so comfortable that the child becomes just another fixture in their lives? When do they become so numb to their miracle that they argue with them as if they were a stranger on the street? I've seen so many parents arguing with their children, I've witnessed a lot of heartbreak and hurt between parent and child around me lately and I'm so curious to know what changes and when. I'm not asking these things because I'm claiming that I will never be that way, because I know better than that. But I am just saying that I am curious to know.
My mom has always been there for me, always. She is a permanant fixture in my life and there have been many times in my life that I've not treated her with the absolute most respect that she deserves. From my perspective, there has been no life without her...she has always been there. From her perspective....there was life before me. There was love, friendships, hurt, anger, a first born child, family, etc. So I guess my question is, why does something that you one day thought would change your life forever become something that you are now comfortable with? Why is the magic of a child forgotten? Sometimes it's difficult for me to convey mood and emotion through my writing, so I hope it's understood my tone is not meant to be condescending or "mightier than thou", I am genuinely curious, if only for my future role as a parent.
So if I happen to have any readers, and if I happen to have any readers that are parents, or if I happen to have any readers that have any thoughts on the subject at hand.....let me have it!
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Perfect, in a not so perfect way.
Brad and married life are everything I expected them to be. I'm exceedingly happy but I can also be oh-so-frustrated, too. We've worked through some things and have grown and I'm pretty sure this is how it's supposed to be. The amount of communicating we do is amazing and I'm so glad we can be honest with eachother about every.thing. When people say to give it time becase we are still in the honeymoon period, I can't even agree with that. Brad and I have never really had a honeymoon period, for one reason or another. That's not to say that I'm not head over heals in love with the guy and that the slightest touch of his hand doesn't still cause me to go over the moon...but I don't think we're in that fantasy land that believes marriage is going to be perfect and we're going to make babies and live this perfect life that is often portrayed on TV. We are not dillusional, I guess is what I'm trying to say.
Marriage takes work. Marriage takes communication. Marriage is uncomfortable, because there is no room for privacy (to a degree...). Marriage is the merging of two lives into one. And even though all of that sounds like total and complete crap and totally not worth it, it's not crap and it is worth it. The benefits of all of those things that marriage is? The benefits are just, beyond comprehension. That's why to me, it's so important to make sure he is happy. It's important to compromise on the little things, and sometimes even the big things. It's important to remember why we're here together and the journey that brought us here. It's important to remember the commitment that I made to him and the commitment that he made to me. When I'm really freaking angry and I can't even believe he can be so DENSE and I just want to be prideful and not speak to him and give him my "angry eyes" and shake my head at how unbelievable he can be....I remember that I had his ring engraved with "my love, my everything" and I realize that my love does not include anger (1 Corinthians 13:4-8...Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perserveres. Love never fails.) and that if I am going to really give him all of my love and I'm really going to give him my everything, than that means swallowing my pride and forgiving him for something he may not even realize he's done (and even for the things he does know he did)....because it's the right thing to do and because I really DO love him with all that I have inside of me.
Do I think that Bradley and I will always be able to let things roll off our backs as easily as we do now? No. Do I think it will always be as simple as saying, I love you more than that? Probably not. But I will damned if I don't, at the absolute very least, try to be everything that this marriage requires me to be, to be everything that HE needs me to be.
God I love that man so much, he makes my every decision to be bigger than my anger and my pride so totally and completely worth it, he makes me grow and learn and he makes me stronger...I love that he is a part of every single day of my life because I know that without him, my life would be great...but with him? It's better than I could have ever imagined.
Marriage takes work. Marriage takes communication. Marriage is uncomfortable, because there is no room for privacy (to a degree...). Marriage is the merging of two lives into one. And even though all of that sounds like total and complete crap and totally not worth it, it's not crap and it is worth it. The benefits of all of those things that marriage is? The benefits are just, beyond comprehension. That's why to me, it's so important to make sure he is happy. It's important to compromise on the little things, and sometimes even the big things. It's important to remember why we're here together and the journey that brought us here. It's important to remember the commitment that I made to him and the commitment that he made to me. When I'm really freaking angry and I can't even believe he can be so DENSE and I just want to be prideful and not speak to him and give him my "angry eyes" and shake my head at how unbelievable he can be....I remember that I had his ring engraved with "my love, my everything" and I realize that my love does not include anger (1 Corinthians 13:4-8...Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perserveres. Love never fails.) and that if I am going to really give him all of my love and I'm really going to give him my everything, than that means swallowing my pride and forgiving him for something he may not even realize he's done (and even for the things he does know he did)....because it's the right thing to do and because I really DO love him with all that I have inside of me.
Do I think that Bradley and I will always be able to let things roll off our backs as easily as we do now? No. Do I think it will always be as simple as saying, I love you more than that? Probably not. But I will damned if I don't, at the absolute very least, try to be everything that this marriage requires me to be, to be everything that HE needs me to be.
God I love that man so much, he makes my every decision to be bigger than my anger and my pride so totally and completely worth it, he makes me grow and learn and he makes me stronger...I love that he is a part of every single day of my life because I know that without him, my life would be great...but with him? It's better than I could have ever imagined.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Overwhelmed By Him
I wish I could elaborate on how my life is right now because it's blossoming and changing and shaping and there are moments of complete and total fear and insanity (within the confines of my mind....) and moments where I am so totally blown away at the perfection that is, my husband.
After a majorly in depth and lengthy discussion in the earliest hours of the day, things won't ever be the same. We have taken that next step, gone up a level, grown together, become even more unified. I can't stress to you enough the feeling...the indescribable feeling of marriage. It is a mystery...this desire to be someone's everything, even if it means swallowing your own pride and doing what you know in your heart is right by them. It is a mystery that someone would do that for ME, that someone could love me enough to be exactly what my heart needs not only to stay alive, but to thrive and work at full capacity. I sat on our couch in our living room, shaking my head as tears streamed down my cheeks...I can't comprehend that he loves me so much. I can't comprehend that he wants to be beside me, standing tall and strong...just to be my rock. I can't comprehend that it's not for his sake, but for my own. For me. No other reason than that. Total and complete self sacrifice.
I shake my head, try and brush off the selfish feelings that well up inside of me and attempt to revel in the feeling of being someone's everything. I should be enjoying this feeling, but it makes me feel small. I'm not worthy of your everything....I don't deserve the sacrifice of your heart, and yet you tell me that I do. [No I don't, how can you say that, you don't really believe that, do you?]
With time my confidence will grow. It will be okay that I'm his everything, because he is mine as well. He gave me his whole heart because he trusts me that I will take care of it and guard it with my life. He trusts me because I've also given him mine to take care of in the same way. My life is no longer my own, it's ours. I wish I could describe to you the wave of differing emotions that wash over me when I think of forever, when I think of Brad, when I think of what is to come, and when I think of everything we've already tackled in this short period of time. It is a truly indescribable feeling that I think you can only understand once you've felt it yourself. I hope this is what it's supposed to feel like, because if not I need to know how I got so lucky.
It's such a humbling experience to be loved so deeply by someone. It makes me strive to be more, to be better, to be the best.....because he deserves that. I think when you offer yourself so completely to someone, you only deserve to be treated with the utmost respect, the utmost regard.
I hope he knows how much I love him. I hope he knows that he is so totally and completely worth every single day for the rest of my life.
After a majorly in depth and lengthy discussion in the earliest hours of the day, things won't ever be the same. We have taken that next step, gone up a level, grown together, become even more unified. I can't stress to you enough the feeling...the indescribable feeling of marriage. It is a mystery...this desire to be someone's everything, even if it means swallowing your own pride and doing what you know in your heart is right by them. It is a mystery that someone would do that for ME, that someone could love me enough to be exactly what my heart needs not only to stay alive, but to thrive and work at full capacity. I sat on our couch in our living room, shaking my head as tears streamed down my cheeks...I can't comprehend that he loves me so much. I can't comprehend that he wants to be beside me, standing tall and strong...just to be my rock. I can't comprehend that it's not for his sake, but for my own. For me. No other reason than that. Total and complete self sacrifice.
I shake my head, try and brush off the selfish feelings that well up inside of me and attempt to revel in the feeling of being someone's everything. I should be enjoying this feeling, but it makes me feel small. I'm not worthy of your everything....I don't deserve the sacrifice of your heart, and yet you tell me that I do. [No I don't, how can you say that, you don't really believe that, do you?]
With time my confidence will grow. It will be okay that I'm his everything, because he is mine as well. He gave me his whole heart because he trusts me that I will take care of it and guard it with my life. He trusts me because I've also given him mine to take care of in the same way. My life is no longer my own, it's ours. I wish I could describe to you the wave of differing emotions that wash over me when I think of forever, when I think of Brad, when I think of what is to come, and when I think of everything we've already tackled in this short period of time. It is a truly indescribable feeling that I think you can only understand once you've felt it yourself. I hope this is what it's supposed to feel like, because if not I need to know how I got so lucky.
It's such a humbling experience to be loved so deeply by someone. It makes me strive to be more, to be better, to be the best.....because he deserves that. I think when you offer yourself so completely to someone, you only deserve to be treated with the utmost respect, the utmost regard.
I hope he knows how much I love him. I hope he knows that he is so totally and completely worth every single day for the rest of my life.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Day to Day Life
I have forgotten what it is like to sleep with someone. Brad and I are still getting used to sleeping in the same bed. We want to be close and cuddle and be right up next to eachother. But it ends up being either very uncomfortable (gets really hot) or we end up awake half the night. We both said last night around 1am that it sure would be nice to get to bed before midnight one night... we haven't made it to bed before midnight since we got home.
But boy oh boy do I love the married life. I can't get over how awesome Brad is, totally and completely. I love the teamwork effort that we have and we try and beat eachother to doing nice things for eachother (ie. cooking eachother breakfast, loading the dishwasher, etc). We bought a devotional last night that we are going to do together...we decided to start getting up in the morning and praying together. I love that I have found someone I can do life with and know that we have the same focus and the same drive for what is important in life, our lives at least.
It's obvious that I can't say enough about Brad and being married and how much I love him and just the awesome stuff that goes along with being his wife and even just a wife period...but it's frustrating when people say "enjoy it now because it won't always be that way". I understand that I can't just live in a fantasy world and believe that life as I knew it before is gone and the rest is just butterflies and fields of flowers, I do get that. But why do I have to feel like there is a looming black cloud a mile away that could speed up and ruin this streak of happiness? Is that really necessary? Can't I be realistic without being pessimistic? I like that people are concerned for me...makes me feel all special and stuff. But why can't people also just be HAPPY for me? That would make me feel special too.
Anyways, this has been an incredibly long week because I've been sick and also because we are finally done traveling and are settling into our routine of life together. We had date night last night and went to dinner and the christian book store to buy a devotional. We have reserved Friday nights for hanging out with friends and other couples....but guess what? I'm so exhausted from this week that I want nothing more than to just enjoy our home quietly, just the two of us. Our weekly routine seems like it's going to be slightly overwhelming and date nights are going to be like a tiny little 3 hour vacation from the outside world.
Here is our weekly routine starting with Sundays...
Sunday: church, lunch with mom and dad, youth group
Monday: work, lunch with mom and dad P
Tuesday: work, worship practice
Wednesday: work, church
Thursday: work, date night!
Friday: work, Seven/couples date
Saturday: reserved for cleaning and friends
I guess I can be excited because I do get to work home for a month at a time and only back on campus for 2 weeks before I get to be back home for a month again. When I start to feel overwhelmed is when people get angry that I haven't made time for them...I want to be a good friend, but there are so many people that are worth making time for and it's difficult and really overwhelming.
Well, enough of all of this....I hope you all have a wonderful day.
But boy oh boy do I love the married life. I can't get over how awesome Brad is, totally and completely. I love the teamwork effort that we have and we try and beat eachother to doing nice things for eachother (ie. cooking eachother breakfast, loading the dishwasher, etc). We bought a devotional last night that we are going to do together...we decided to start getting up in the morning and praying together. I love that I have found someone I can do life with and know that we have the same focus and the same drive for what is important in life, our lives at least.
It's obvious that I can't say enough about Brad and being married and how much I love him and just the awesome stuff that goes along with being his wife and even just a wife period...but it's frustrating when people say "enjoy it now because it won't always be that way". I understand that I can't just live in a fantasy world and believe that life as I knew it before is gone and the rest is just butterflies and fields of flowers, I do get that. But why do I have to feel like there is a looming black cloud a mile away that could speed up and ruin this streak of happiness? Is that really necessary? Can't I be realistic without being pessimistic? I like that people are concerned for me...makes me feel all special and stuff. But why can't people also just be HAPPY for me? That would make me feel special too.
Anyways, this has been an incredibly long week because I've been sick and also because we are finally done traveling and are settling into our routine of life together. We had date night last night and went to dinner and the christian book store to buy a devotional. We have reserved Friday nights for hanging out with friends and other couples....but guess what? I'm so exhausted from this week that I want nothing more than to just enjoy our home quietly, just the two of us. Our weekly routine seems like it's going to be slightly overwhelming and date nights are going to be like a tiny little 3 hour vacation from the outside world.
Here is our weekly routine starting with Sundays...
Sunday: church, lunch with mom and dad, youth group
Monday: work, lunch with mom and dad P
Tuesday: work, worship practice
Wednesday: work, church
Thursday: work, date night!
Friday: work, Seven/couples date
Saturday: reserved for cleaning and friends
I guess I can be excited because I do get to work home for a month at a time and only back on campus for 2 weeks before I get to be back home for a month again. When I start to feel overwhelmed is when people get angry that I haven't made time for them...I want to be a good friend, but there are so many people that are worth making time for and it's difficult and really overwhelming.
Well, enough of all of this....I hope you all have a wonderful day.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Married!
Over these last 6 days we've continued to grow even closer and it's the most awesome feeling being able to look beside me and know that he is there. The deep conversations, the moments of just looking at eachother, the familiarity and the closeness, the smiles, the laughs....my wow! moments come when I start to think that I get this for the rest of my liveable life, I get to have him as a part of the rest of my life. I know things will change and we'll grow and it won't always be as easy as it is right now...but the fact that I know he is there and will be...it makes it all okay. I wish it was like this for everyone, there isn't not one individual that doesn't deserve to be this happy, not a single one.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Love Hurts
Brad has been leaving later and later each night because it's getting closer and closer to our day.
It's surprising how, no matter how much you tell your heart it has to wait until 'such and such' a day to commit on a marriage level, it just won't listen. It's crazy how all of a sudden one day you can wake up and be someone's wife but not feel like the commitment and expectation should not have already started prior to the date. It's just like with in-laws.....do they just all of a sudden become your mother-in-law or brother-in-law or do you start preparing your heart to love them on that level long before that actual day?
So anyways, back to my point...Brad left around midnight last night. I walked him out to his truck and engaged in a truly sappy goodnight that left me feeling reflective and on a cloud somewhere in The Land of Love. As I am walking back to the house from his truck, I was looking to my neighbors house to see if I needed to be embarassed or not. After verifying that our moment was indeed a private one, I turn to look back at the front door (which would be the direction in which I was walking.) and smacked the side of my head into some conduit piping that was peaking out of the back of my dad's work truck. Instant reaction was hand to head, but there was more pipe, so I scratched my hand also.
The side of my head has a wonderful scratch and some red puffiness. Now, you all recall the picture I posted yesterday of my hair-do for the wedding, right? Yeah...an UP DO. I am lucky to have a skilled make-up artist on the job for Saturday. I am also lucky that it was not my wedding band hand that was scratched. I guess if bad things are going to happen you have to look at the bright side to make it okay, right?
So anyways, just thought I would let you all know that, in so many words or less, love smacked me upside the head last night.
It's surprising how, no matter how much you tell your heart it has to wait until 'such and such' a day to commit on a marriage level, it just won't listen. It's crazy how all of a sudden one day you can wake up and be someone's wife but not feel like the commitment and expectation should not have already started prior to the date. It's just like with in-laws.....do they just all of a sudden become your mother-in-law or brother-in-law or do you start preparing your heart to love them on that level long before that actual day?
So anyways, back to my point...Brad left around midnight last night. I walked him out to his truck and engaged in a truly sappy goodnight that left me feeling reflective and on a cloud somewhere in The Land of Love. As I am walking back to the house from his truck, I was looking to my neighbors house to see if I needed to be embarassed or not. After verifying that our moment was indeed a private one, I turn to look back at the front door (which would be the direction in which I was walking.) and smacked the side of my head into some conduit piping that was peaking out of the back of my dad's work truck. Instant reaction was hand to head, but there was more pipe, so I scratched my hand also.
The side of my head has a wonderful scratch and some red puffiness. Now, you all recall the picture I posted yesterday of my hair-do for the wedding, right? Yeah...an UP DO. I am lucky to have a skilled make-up artist on the job for Saturday. I am also lucky that it was not my wedding band hand that was scratched. I guess if bad things are going to happen you have to look at the bright side to make it okay, right?
So anyways, just thought I would let you all know that, in so many words or less, love smacked me upside the head last night.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
The [un]Veiling!
4 Days and Counting....I do believe I am glowing.
I really love fake n' bake because of the wonderful even tan that it gives. I don't do it often, only for special occasions-Prom, bridesmaid in Nate and Sami's wedding, and now for my own wedding. One thing that has happened this go 'round that has never happened before is...raccoon eyes. I try and follow the safety guidelines for tanning because I know that it can be bad for you and I would like to prevent those bad things from happening if at all possible, this is why I wear the goggles. However....I've also never experienced the raccoon eyes like I am right now. I'm thinking about using the fake tan lotion stuff to try and blend it, but who wants orange eyes with a nice brown face and body?? I don't know how I'm going to resolve this...but I have 4 days to figure it out.
I am pretty stoked for these 4 days to fly by. We have new company coming in each day this week. Great Grandmother and Uncle last night, long time family friends tonight, Aunt, Uncle, and Grandparents tomorrow, and more family Thursday and Friday. That makes for a fast week, and I couldn't be more pleased.
I'll be letting someone use my camera at the wedding so that I can get pictures up quicker than from the photographer...gotta figure out who to get to do that....someone who is into pictures as much as I am...we shall see!
Anyways, can't wait to let you wonderful non-existant readers in on my wedding! It's going to be spectacular!
Friday, July 11, 2008
When the Cat is Away....
Brad left this morning to go out of town (2 whole states away!) until Sunday afternoon, when upon return he will be playing in a golf outing. Considering he is not having a bachelor party or what have you next week, he is making up for it this weekend...or so it seems, lol.
I will tell you this, in the 4 months (4 whole months! It even feels longer than that.) that we've been together, we have only been away from eachother for at most, 2days (ATF).
I don't depend on Brad in the sense that I need his presence to make my day functional, but I depend on him in the sense that...he makes my day better than it could ever be with just me. I've said it once and I'll say it again...I am one needy chick. It's going to be a long few days...I will be filling them with packing, unpacking, organizing, cleaning, and warm times with an old and dear friend. This is my last weekend of single life...it's something I am more than willing to part with. I have so much to look forward to. I think he will miss me this weekend too, that's what it seemed like when we were saying goodbye this morning anyway...He missed me while I was at ATF and we've grown a lot closer since then (3 months of seeing eachother every day...).
Along with Brad being out of town comes, my first night in the townhouse :)I do admit this is something I am looking forward to. Don't get me wrong, my first night in the townhouse with my HUSBAND is going to be pretty B.A. as well....but there is something about being here alone that makes me feel like I'm being sneaky, and that is something I don't do much of these days, lol. He asked me if I wanted him to load the shotgun for me....have I mentioned that my redneck fiance (okay, he's not actually redneck at all....maybe just a bit country) keeps a shotgun next to his pillow right beside our bed? Yeah, he does. Being one that has never shot a gun with real bullets (BB guns don't count...), this made me a little nervous at first. I'm getting used to the idea because I've had about 3 people offer to teach us how to shoot correctly and safely.
The countdown is down to 8 days. I am getting married next Saturday. I get to attend a friends' wedding this weekend (same colors, same flower type, same officiant, same sanctuary) and I'm looking forward to seeing how it all works out and looks. We have everything done wedding wise, except that Brad has still not purchased his grooms gifts....tisk tisk tisk.
Time is closing in on us and I feel my heart beating faster, my eyes sparkling brighter and my mouth not being able to lose the smirk that quickly has spread to a an all-out-ear-to-ear-grin, I'm gettin' hitched ya'll! lol
I will tell you this, in the 4 months (4 whole months! It even feels longer than that.) that we've been together, we have only been away from eachother for at most, 2days (ATF).
I don't depend on Brad in the sense that I need his presence to make my day functional, but I depend on him in the sense that...he makes my day better than it could ever be with just me. I've said it once and I'll say it again...I am one needy chick. It's going to be a long few days...I will be filling them with packing, unpacking, organizing, cleaning, and warm times with an old and dear friend. This is my last weekend of single life...it's something I am more than willing to part with. I have so much to look forward to. I think he will miss me this weekend too, that's what it seemed like when we were saying goodbye this morning anyway...He missed me while I was at ATF and we've grown a lot closer since then (3 months of seeing eachother every day...).
Along with Brad being out of town comes, my first night in the townhouse :)I do admit this is something I am looking forward to. Don't get me wrong, my first night in the townhouse with my HUSBAND is going to be pretty B.A. as well....but there is something about being here alone that makes me feel like I'm being sneaky, and that is something I don't do much of these days, lol. He asked me if I wanted him to load the shotgun for me....have I mentioned that my redneck fiance (okay, he's not actually redneck at all....maybe just a bit country) keeps a shotgun next to his pillow right beside our bed? Yeah, he does. Being one that has never shot a gun with real bullets (BB guns don't count...), this made me a little nervous at first. I'm getting used to the idea because I've had about 3 people offer to teach us how to shoot correctly and safely.
The countdown is down to 8 days. I am getting married next Saturday. I get to attend a friends' wedding this weekend (same colors, same flower type, same officiant, same sanctuary) and I'm looking forward to seeing how it all works out and looks. We have everything done wedding wise, except that Brad has still not purchased his grooms gifts....tisk tisk tisk.
Time is closing in on us and I feel my heart beating faster, my eyes sparkling brighter and my mouth not being able to lose the smirk that quickly has spread to a an all-out-ear-to-ear-grin, I'm gettin' hitched ya'll! lol
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Holiday and Wedding
My first fourth spent with Brad was amazing and I can only hope that the next decade or so of our marriage will be just as exciting. We only have 11 days until we are married and time is flying by....I couldn't be more excited than I am. I'm getting nervous about walking down the aisle and about hoping everything turns out okay and that no one trips and that I don't snort when I'm bawling my eyes out and that there aren't a thousand and one shots of my face contorted in that uncontrollable cry that I have been praying doesn't happen to me....I so do not want to cry, Oh God. I want to be beaming with smiles and squealing with excitement, that's what I want. But I have a sinking feeling that I will not be able to control the tears because Oh My Gosh, Brad is standing in front of me committing to love me FOR. EVER. Holy Crap.
There have been small bouts of drama lately and I am actually baffled that it's happening because I guess I was nieve to think that things would be different with this wedding than other weddings. I guess everyone hopes that their special day will not affect others and that everyone will just be happy and smiling right along with you. I'd be lying if I said I haven't felt absolutely selfish throughout this whole process...I hate knowing that my parents have spent thousands of dollars on this one particular day and that they did it for me. I know I know, this is the one day I'm allowed to be selfish...but I hate it. I hate that our special day has caused unnecessary stress on people that we love and care about. If I knew I wouldn't have ended up regretting it a few years down the road, I would have happily gone and gotten married at a small wedding chapel in South Carolina with only family in towe, and that would have happened probably a month ago instead.
Brad and I were talking the other night after feeling hurt, let down, and frustrated...we agreed that all we need is eachother to make our lives happy because we are eachothers' family now...I am responsible for making him feel happy and loved and he is responsible for making me feel happy and loved....no one else is a part of that equation ('cept God...).
So, I will end with a picture of our arms around eachother, smiling, because we couldn't be happier than to be holding on to eachother for the rest of our lives.
There have been small bouts of drama lately and I am actually baffled that it's happening because I guess I was nieve to think that things would be different with this wedding than other weddings. I guess everyone hopes that their special day will not affect others and that everyone will just be happy and smiling right along with you. I'd be lying if I said I haven't felt absolutely selfish throughout this whole process...I hate knowing that my parents have spent thousands of dollars on this one particular day and that they did it for me. I know I know, this is the one day I'm allowed to be selfish...but I hate it. I hate that our special day has caused unnecessary stress on people that we love and care about. If I knew I wouldn't have ended up regretting it a few years down the road, I would have happily gone and gotten married at a small wedding chapel in South Carolina with only family in towe, and that would have happened probably a month ago instead.
Brad and I were talking the other night after feeling hurt, let down, and frustrated...we agreed that all we need is eachother to make our lives happy because we are eachothers' family now...I am responsible for making him feel happy and loved and he is responsible for making me feel happy and loved....no one else is a part of that equation ('cept God...).
So, I will end with a picture of our arms around eachother, smiling, because we couldn't be happier than to be holding on to eachother for the rest of our lives.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Conservative Thoughts on Marriage
I often run off 6 hours or less of sleep. I'm grateful for 2 things.
1. I am grateful that I am a morning person.
2. I am grateful that I love Brad enough to not allow my usual too-tired-to-be-nice attitude to take over at night when we are spending our time together.
We have company in all the time from out of town during the summer. I never realized it until this summer because I've never had anyone comment on it...I'm just so used to it that it doesn't even phase me. I think Brad enjoys how close all of my family is. Well I take that back, sort of. I think he enjoys it once he gets past the initial idea of it all. When he hears that company is coming in he kind of has one of those "oh geeze, more meet and greet..." attitudes. But then the company gets here and he sees that the atmosphere is laid back and relaxed and we just have a lot of laughs and THAT is when I see him come out of his shell and really start to be himself. I love watching how he is with people, he is so....great. I mean, I don't know how to describe it. He talks and laughs and tells stories and I love to watch him be the life of the party...it makes me so proud and I am more than happy to sit back quietly and let him take the lead.
You know how the Bible talks about a woman submitting to her husand? I know that is often a topic for discussion because, wow....that sure does seem like it gives the man the total upper hand and the woman has no voice what-so-ever. But what people fail to see is that the Bible also says for husbands to love their wives like Christ loved the church. We know Christ obviously loved the church because well, anyone remember that whole dying on the cross thing? Yeah. Not to mention....he made a covenant with Israel and even though they screwed up left and right and broke their side of the covenant, God continued to love them and take care of them. So really, if you ask me, the women get the easier task out of the two. I mean, my husband has to love me enough to want to die for me? And all I have to do in turn is submit to his authority? Which if you think about it, if your husband truly loves you, submitting to him isn't going to be difficult because he's not going to require anything of you that would cause you harm or too much discomfort...right?
Okay, basically what I am trying to say in a round about way (get to the point!!) is that I am so willing and happy to be coming underneath Brad's authority because it's a worthwile sacrifice. I'm lucky to be marrying someone who thinks like me when it comes to marriage and the commitment that we are entering into together. There are so many marriages that start out with the wrong mindset or the couple hasn't even discussed what eachother's role will be in the marriage and they end up failing miserably and ending in a divorce.
I realize that I am a pretty hardcore conservative when it comes to marriage. I am comfortable with that. I tend to be pretty liberal when it comes to issues that are not outright black and white. But I feel like marriage is a black and white issue (not in regards to race, you know what I mean...) with little-to-no gray area.
You know how "they" say that when women are pregnant they start nesting and getting prepared and it's au natural? I feel like I'm in my nesting period for marriage. I want to be ready for my husband, I want to be ready to take care of him and be there for him and for him to be confident that I am there for him and trust him.
23 days...I can't wait to be home.
1. I am grateful that I am a morning person.
2. I am grateful that I love Brad enough to not allow my usual too-tired-to-be-nice attitude to take over at night when we are spending our time together.
We have company in all the time from out of town during the summer. I never realized it until this summer because I've never had anyone comment on it...I'm just so used to it that it doesn't even phase me. I think Brad enjoys how close all of my family is. Well I take that back, sort of. I think he enjoys it once he gets past the initial idea of it all. When he hears that company is coming in he kind of has one of those "oh geeze, more meet and greet..." attitudes. But then the company gets here and he sees that the atmosphere is laid back and relaxed and we just have a lot of laughs and THAT is when I see him come out of his shell and really start to be himself. I love watching how he is with people, he is so....great. I mean, I don't know how to describe it. He talks and laughs and tells stories and I love to watch him be the life of the party...it makes me so proud and I am more than happy to sit back quietly and let him take the lead.
You know how the Bible talks about a woman submitting to her husand? I know that is often a topic for discussion because, wow....that sure does seem like it gives the man the total upper hand and the woman has no voice what-so-ever. But what people fail to see is that the Bible also says for husbands to love their wives like Christ loved the church. We know Christ obviously loved the church because well, anyone remember that whole dying on the cross thing? Yeah. Not to mention....he made a covenant with Israel and even though they screwed up left and right and broke their side of the covenant, God continued to love them and take care of them. So really, if you ask me, the women get the easier task out of the two. I mean, my husband has to love me enough to want to die for me? And all I have to do in turn is submit to his authority? Which if you think about it, if your husband truly loves you, submitting to him isn't going to be difficult because he's not going to require anything of you that would cause you harm or too much discomfort...right?
Okay, basically what I am trying to say in a round about way (get to the point!!) is that I am so willing and happy to be coming underneath Brad's authority because it's a worthwile sacrifice. I'm lucky to be marrying someone who thinks like me when it comes to marriage and the commitment that we are entering into together. There are so many marriages that start out with the wrong mindset or the couple hasn't even discussed what eachother's role will be in the marriage and they end up failing miserably and ending in a divorce.
I realize that I am a pretty hardcore conservative when it comes to marriage. I am comfortable with that. I tend to be pretty liberal when it comes to issues that are not outright black and white. But I feel like marriage is a black and white issue (not in regards to race, you know what I mean...) with little-to-no gray area.
You know how "they" say that when women are pregnant they start nesting and getting prepared and it's au natural? I feel like I'm in my nesting period for marriage. I want to be ready for my husband, I want to be ready to take care of him and be there for him and for him to be confident that I am there for him and trust him.
23 days...I can't wait to be home.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Give and Take
When it comes to how I "do" relationships, I am a follower and not a leader. I treat you how you treat me. If you are stand-offish and ignore me than I will probably do 2 things...
1. not call you anymore
2. ignore you
I get so frustrated with relationships in my life requiring more out of me than what the other person is willing to give. DO NOT put expectations on me that you are not willing to put on yourself, bottom line.
I am the kind of person that, I have no problem giving all that I have to maintain a relationship. I don't care if it takes me swallowing my pride, or requires an action/emotion that is not natural or characteristic of me, or I don't mind sitting up at 11:30 to talk to you about a problem even if I have to get up at 5:30 for work....I have no problem doing any of those things. But let me tell you this....I can only do that for so long without feeling like I could do or expect the very same thing out of you.
Now...it's not like I do those things because I am looking for them in return, I do them because I care. And I don't get upset if you don't do them because I am selfish and feel like I deserve them....I get upset because I do those things as a result of my love for you and expect you to do them for me because you love me too.
There have been numerous situations in my life lately that have brought this to the surface. It's not any one particular situation or individual, it's just a few situations added up and have left me where I am today.
1. not call you anymore
2. ignore you
I get so frustrated with relationships in my life requiring more out of me than what the other person is willing to give. DO NOT put expectations on me that you are not willing to put on yourself, bottom line.
I am the kind of person that, I have no problem giving all that I have to maintain a relationship. I don't care if it takes me swallowing my pride, or requires an action/emotion that is not natural or characteristic of me, or I don't mind sitting up at 11:30 to talk to you about a problem even if I have to get up at 5:30 for work....I have no problem doing any of those things. But let me tell you this....I can only do that for so long without feeling like I could do or expect the very same thing out of you.
Now...it's not like I do those things because I am looking for them in return, I do them because I care. And I don't get upset if you don't do them because I am selfish and feel like I deserve them....I get upset because I do those things as a result of my love for you and expect you to do them for me because you love me too.
There have been numerous situations in my life lately that have brought this to the surface. It's not any one particular situation or individual, it's just a few situations added up and have left me where I am today.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Home
I walked up the stairs and through the doorway, taking in the feeling and the anticipation. I sat down on our bed and looked around slowly, wanting to remember this feeling. I'm imagining how many times I'm going to sit down on this very same spot and look at these very same walls and take for granted the easy, comfortable feeling of home.
This is the bed that I am going to lay in with my husband every single night. These are the walls that I will look at every day, that will protect my husband and I from cold and rainy nights. That's the closet where our clothes will hang together. This is the room that will witness many a romantic night, where our children will be conceived, where we will whisper to eachother "I love you so much" while the other is sleeping soundly at 2am. These are the walls that will absorb arguments and heated conversations, words that neither of us meant to say.
These are OUR walls, this is OUR bed, this is OUR home.
And so I cried tears of happiness.
This is the bed that I am going to lay in with my husband every single night. These are the walls that I will look at every day, that will protect my husband and I from cold and rainy nights. That's the closet where our clothes will hang together. This is the room that will witness many a romantic night, where our children will be conceived, where we will whisper to eachother "I love you so much" while the other is sleeping soundly at 2am. These are the walls that will absorb arguments and heated conversations, words that neither of us meant to say.
These are OUR walls, this is OUR bed, this is OUR home.
And so I cried tears of happiness.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Writer's Block, Stephanie Style
Take a look at the close relationships in your life (significant other, family, friends, etc.), what are some of the perks and benefits that add to their significance? What makes the relationship so special and unique?
So Blessed!
I feel so lucky to be where I am, with what I have, and who I have around me. I was reading Leah's blog the other day (sure wish I knew how to link...) and she said something along the lines of, weddings bring out the worst in people and babies bring out the best. I am happy to say that, while that is true for most people, it is not true for me. I have seen so many nice things happen as a result of my wedding coming up. Sure, there has been some drama that could have been detrimental to the wedding going off without a hitch...but not drama stemming from the wedding planning itself.
I have had 2 bridal showers so far. Both have yielded many gifts and laughs and a genuine show of happiness for my fiance and I. Best bridal shower moment yet...me opening lingerie and touch massage oil and blushing like some shy virgin...it's amazing what a year and a half of abstinence will do to a girls embarassment threshold.
Brad is moving into our townhouse today. I can't believe we are 32 days out, holy crap, I'm getting married folks!! Bridal shoot this weekend hopefully.
In other halarious news...an old friend from Raleigh sent me a message on MySpace that he would love to hang out sometime. I told him I would love to hang out, just dont expect me to drink a whole bunch because I had started going back to church and am now a christian and blah blah blah. He hasn't replied yet, and I think it's halarious. It just makes me appreciate my accepting friends so much more...Melanie, Laura, Rob, Becca, etc.
Work time...
I have had 2 bridal showers so far. Both have yielded many gifts and laughs and a genuine show of happiness for my fiance and I. Best bridal shower moment yet...me opening lingerie and touch massage oil and blushing like some shy virgin...it's amazing what a year and a half of abstinence will do to a girls embarassment threshold.
Brad is moving into our townhouse today. I can't believe we are 32 days out, holy crap, I'm getting married folks!! Bridal shoot this weekend hopefully.
In other halarious news...an old friend from Raleigh sent me a message on MySpace that he would love to hang out sometime. I told him I would love to hang out, just dont expect me to drink a whole bunch because I had started going back to church and am now a christian and blah blah blah. He hasn't replied yet, and I think it's halarious. It just makes me appreciate my accepting friends so much more...Melanie, Laura, Rob, Becca, etc.
Work time...
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