Tongue Lashings

I'm taking a break writing about my past friendships for a moment and writing something different. I wrote this same thing on my livejournal, but decided to write it here too since it is a fairly personal glimpse into the person I am trying to be...Might be helpful for anyone who doesn't know me, but would like to.

Feeling kinda weird today. Feeling a little somber, little quiet, feeling small. As always, not sure I can get my words out right to describe what I'm really feeling. I guess I just feel little. Or belittled. Maybe that's better. I hold my tongue in lots of aspects of life because it is the right thing to do, but sometimes I just want that release. I'm not sure why, any other time I've chosen to not hold my tongue it has always been ended up disasterous. I've ruined various friendships/relationships and really hurt people, causing a lot of regret. It's really kind of funny. People have always told me that I'm one of the nicest people they've ever met, that they can't see me being mean, or they can't see me being hurtful, or that they can't see me losing my temper...and I'd love it if I could say that they were right. But I've had my time of losing control, I've had my moments of pure and utter rage, I've had moments where I couldn't believe that those words came out of my mouth or those actions were my own.
But through all of that, I've learned that sometimes holding my tongue or speaking enouraging words instead is more often than not the better choice. Proverbs 15:1 says "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" and I've kind of taken on that attitude, not even kind of, I definately have. The thing is that it's not easy, by any means. And I often wonder if I'm going to end up being bitter about it down the road and turn into some outspoken, hated, bitty of a woman that needs her tongue cut out, because hooo boy!
But even more so than wondering that...I honestly believe and pray that as I continue to do the right thing, my heart will remain soft and that as time goes by it will become easier and easier to make the right choices, and based on experience...I will be blessed for my choices. I guess you could compare it to some people's belief in Kharma...along the same lines, I believe scripture in that...you reap what you sew. You get back what you put in. And I really hope that in the mean time, those good decisions will be an example. Gosh that sounds really self-righteous and self-centered....but that's not how I mean it. I just know that, sure, sometimes I just want to let loose and go off...but all the other times I feel so much better knowing I did the right thing. And that's really the example I want to be, if possible...I don't know what I'm hoping to prove by typing all of this out and babbling on and on, except to hopefully puff myself back up a little bit and stop feeling like what I have to say doesn't matter. I'm going to school to be a counselor for God's sake...if what I say doesn't matter to SOMEONE, than I'm wasting thousands of dollars on my education...not to mention a lot of time and energy.